This summer, I said goodby to blogging. I said goodbye to brainstorming, researching, submitting propsals to magazines.
Let's back track a bit. In January, the husband and I sat down and looked at my writing, my blog, and made a game plan for the year. I set aside time to write consistantly again, with the desire to get my heart out there, and share my story with others. It went well at first. My daughter was in Preschool a few times a week, so my writing time was squeezed in those few hours, while my youngest took his morning nap. Except... he didn't nap. There were may days that I couldn't get him down at all, or it would take so long to get him down that I wouldn't have any time left to write. My writing starting spilling over onto other parts of my life, afternoons, when my daughter was home from school, and wanted my attention, even weekends, while my husband and kids played.
It just wasn't working. I was spending my days so frustrated at my kids, because they were keeping my from my calling. Keeping me from what I really wanted to be doing. What I feel God called me to do. What felt so good back in January, really wasn't working at all anymore.
And so, my heart whispered, stop. Stop striving, stop trying to do something that obviously isn't working for your family in this season. JUST BE MAMA.
Writing is such an important part of me. It makes me happy, it fills me up. But it can't interfere with my family. And so, I largly backed off of writing. I wrote occasionaly, but only when a true moment by myself arose.
And then summer came, with it's long sunny days, hours spent with chalk in the driveway, or with the sprinklers soaking us all from head to foot, camping, visits from family, and suddenly, I blinked, and school is starting up again. I find myself with time to write, and I'm scared. Scared about sharing my heart with the world again. Scared, because perfection often holds me back. Scared, but so blessed by the imperfect summer my kids and I shared together. A summer where being their Mama was my greatest privilage of all. My number one job. My tremendous calling. I'm scared, but also so excited to start sharing my writing with you all again, both here, and on other media platforms.
Yes, I do believe we can have callings upon our lives. Areas where God has gifted us, things that seem so good, have such a lasting purpose, but I always want to make sure I assess those areas. If it's causing stress in my home life, then I know that answer is "not yet". Not necessarily a "no." But more of a reassessment, a time of waiting. Someday, my children will be grown, out of our house, possibly living far away, and I'll have all the time I want to write. But for right now, they're small, and I want to honor that. Honor and cherish the fact that God has given them to me to raise. That I'm so much more than "Just Mama" to them. I'm their constancy, the person they wake up to each day, the person who keeps them organized, keeps them fed, keeps them safe, reminds them how loved they are, teaches them the things of God.
Sometimes I struggle with that calling, feeling like being "Mama" isn't enough. I want to reach a wider audience, have more of an influence. But it's my immense job to raise up these two little humans. That is such a substaintial job. Just think of what God may be calling them to do someday! I could see my two spirited children doing some pretty amazing things! But into order to do that, Jesus needs to be shared to them right now, in these formitive, molding years. What a daunting task! And what an intense privilage!
And so, all this to say, I'm back! Back on my beloved blog, and back to freelance writing again! But with a new perspective. Deployed Heart will once be here as a place of encouragement, of building up, of telling woman out there that they are not alone in this military life. It will be a place of devotionals, wholesome book reviews, and perhaps even some short stories! I'm so excited about what's to come!