I was so frustrated. I found myself getting grumpy, frustrated with my children, angry at myself. I had it all planned out, a neat schedule, deadlines, goals. I felt ready. Ready to balance my life with little ones and my ambitions. But then, my son's nap times got irregular, my times of work became even more unpredictable, I found myself making up the time in other random parts of the day, times during the day when I had both my kiddos begging for my attention. My planning self became annoyed, my introvert self became frustrated, "why can't they play alone?" "Why do they constantly want my attention?" "Why isn't this working out?"
I was getting frustrated, and angry.
And so I realized it was time to step back.
Time to let go of some ambitions, some dreams, at least for a few months.
Time to let go and simply enjoy summer with my children.
Time to give those dreams back to God, and wait for Him to give the go-ahead.
It was hard to do. Hard, when I felt so "called" from Him to do this. Hard, when my dreams and passions seem like such a good thing. Hard, when the calling beats within my heart.
Hard, to not finish checking off the boxes, but to keep them open for now.
Hard, because I see others who seem to balance it all, but I can't.
But maybe it's less about what I can or can't do at this point, and more about surrender.
Surrender, letting go. Admitting that I was getting too grumpy and frustrated. Admitting, that I was losing track of the bigger picture. Admitting that my heart needs time to breathe this summer.
Yes, I'll still be writing this summer. I'll still be dreaming and plotting and game-planning for this Fall. But it will only be when the rare moment arises (like right now, when my little guy is actually napping!). And who knows, this summer break may be exactly what I need. This summer will be a time to read more, to journal more, and to definitely pray about directions God may want to take the calling upon my heart.
Have you ever been there? Have you ever had a true calling upon your heart, but realized that it's just the wrong season to realize that calling? That's definitely the place I'm at right now. I'd love to hear your thoughts.