I spent last Friday morning waiting, waiting and more waiting. It's funny, I'm always longing for more time to myself, and then when it comes, I stand impatiently, moving through the line, disliking all the wasted time, being assigned a letter and number combination to define me. Babies being taken care of by their loving papa, so thankful for him, this morning would have been far more crazy with two little ones in tow. Thankful that they're being distracted while I wait in line for several hours. Every few years I go through the motions, renew the id. Military life means transitions, and so I update addresses, take a new picture that supposed to look something like me, define me. Answer weight, height, hair color, eyes.
My head aches from the people in front of me puffing smoke as we waited before the doors even opened. It amazed me that people were outside so early. We commented a little about the crazy lines, and then I read my book, enjoying the quiet, probably the quietest moments I'll have in this crazy day. Because usually I wear the hat of mommy, from morning until night and even through the nigh, I'm booger whipper, crumb sweeper, singer of songs, puzzle player, bike rider with kids in trailer behind. Discipliner, tear wiper, solid confidence when they need it.
No small task, I'm amazed that I do it. As I think back on Emma's stitches, I'm amazed at how calm I was, husband did't even think about coming to the hospital because I seemed so collected. Day by day I worry about little insignificant things, but faith comes in when it matters, faith helps me to stand strong when I need it, when I couldn't on my own.
Faith, when I remember that I don't have to do anything to earn salvation. That price has already been paid.
Yes, earthly problems come and go, but the big thing, eternity, has already been sorted out.
Sometimes I feel so carnal, so earthy. I feel like I must be making every possible mistake when it comes to parenting, to being a friend, to living this life. But then, I close my eyes, I remind myself that I'm a daughter of the king. I take a moment to breathe, perhaps I step outside and breathe in some fresh air, let the quiet, just for a second, rest on me.
And I"m reminded that I have nothing to measure up to. No impossible standard to me. The Holy Spirit dwells in me. Living water runs through my heart, in my life, in my very words.
“If you knew the gift of God, and who is saying to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would ask Him, and He would give you living water" (John 4:10, HCSB).
And I say a prayer, that the words I say to others would reflect this life, this living water. Because I don't always feel that full. Sometimes I need the reminder that God is at work in my life. That I'm not alone as I discipline my spirited three year old. That God is there, beside me, giving me wisdom and strength when I have none.
He is living, inside of me, how I want my life to reflect this. Not as a pressure, an impossible goal that I've set for myself, but out of love. Out of a desire to serve Him and share His love with those around me.
And so, I thank Him for any unexpected quiet moments throughout my day. I pray for refreshment, and for love and wisdom as I face my children, training them up in the ways they should go. Because oh how I want them to love Jesus.