Peace

All is calm, all is bright, the old nativity song goes.

But my world feels less than calm right now.  

My head, and heart ache from the stressors in my life. 

My heart aches for a world that has felt anything but calm as of late. For families uprooted, lives changed in an instant. 

My heart aches for families separated by wars this Christmas. For loved ones who won't meet under the tree. I've been there, my heart whispers.

It's not hard to remember the pain, the loneliness of that season.

And this season now, is full of heartache as well.

Heartache, and unanswered questions.

Medical questions, housing questions, job questions for those I love.

This grow-up life doesn't always leave much room for peace.

The worries and anxieties of this world lay heavy upon my life.

Until.

Until the music begins to play. 

I'm reminded of my dining table, still scattered with art supplies. 

Little toy trucks and trains cluttered on the floor.

Laughter as little ones dance to the music, asking me to join in.

Silly hours spent playing, pretending.

The awe of Christmas lights, and the wonder in a child's small voice.

These are the things I hold most dear.

These two little ones remind me to keep my focus on the here and now. To keep my focus on the beautiful children He's given me to raise.

This morning, the mess of our house was getting to me. I was anxious, restless, annoyed. Anything but at peace.

But really, I want to cherish the mess. The chaoes. These years when I rarely have a moment alone. Becaues I know these days will pass quicker than I want them to. This house? Will one day be back in order. But right now. Right now, it's living and breathing with the lives inside. Each mess tells a story of time spent, memories made, characters being formed. 

So often, they breathe Jesus to me. They remind me to stay on my knees in prayer.

Yes, they exasperate and frustrate me, but their love, their love reminds me to love. Their love reminds me to seek peace. Peace, not in this world, because there's a lack of it there. But peace up above.

Peace, in a Savior, who long ago came into this world and saved us from ourselves.

There's really nothing without Him, is there?

And so, today, and everyday, I leave all the burdens of this world at His feat.

Peace on Earth?

Yes, but only in the name of Jesus.

Peace when life is anything but?

Yes. Peace, that can only come from within.

Peace, is my prayer for this year, when my heart feels so heavy. 

Peace, when I deal with my children.

Peace, as we go about each day.

Peace, when the answers for loved ones isn't easy to come by.

Peace, in all hearts during this Christmas season.

Peace.

A Lesson from my daughter

I wrote this a month or so ago, but still felt that it was worth sharing here. Our children are amazing teachers! I hope you enjoy. 

Friday morning was a busy one in our house. School has been in session for over a month, but it still feels like we're searching for our sense of routine. Getting accustomed to this foreign concept of Preschool for my son and Kindergarten for my Daughter. Packing school lunches five days a week. Keeping track of homework assignments, sight words, special dress days and show and tell. Friday was school picture day, so I was also making sure that my daughter's outfit coordinated, and wouldn't horribly clash with the fake Fall flowers they always like to put in the corner of the photos. That, and somehow tame her wild hair. We drove up to school, almost late because we always wake up so early (why is that?). Pretty orange dress, check, dress shoes, check, lunch, check, show and tell, oh wait... I forgot her show and tell. In a class of seven students, it would be obvious too.

I felt horrible. I'd already failed in my mommy-organization skills, and this only a month into the school year. I expressed my frustration, apologizing to my daughter, to which she replied:

"Mommy, it's really ok"

Wait, what?

My daughter looked calmly at me from her place in the back seat and assured me that others have forgotten before. It really wasn't a big deal.

She wasn't concerned, while me, with my perfectionist issues, felt awful.

What am I teaching my daughter about worry?

About perfectionism?

Remembering assignments, things required of her is important. But she was right too, forgetting show and tell in the first month of kindergarten was forgivable.

What if instead I had just suggested that she "Tell" something to her class, such as her favorite knock-knock joke, instead of making a big deal out of it?

What crazy perfectionist tendencies am I passing on to her?

Will she grow up thinking that perfection is the only answer through her school days?

Will she think that only a perfect house, a perfect room, perfect manners will do?

Is that really the message I want to send her?

Or instead, do I want to teach her about peace?

Peace, like she displayed to me.

Calm trouble shooting on the days when things don't work out right.

The ability to let go sometimes, and just enjoy the people around me.

If I look back to my school days, the only thing I wish I did more of was enjoy my friends. Less time on school work, more time just enjoying those I cared about.

Because 13 years out, no one cares what grades I got in high school. It's been ages since anyone asked.

Yes, diligence, studying hard will get you far. Good grades helped me get into college, and then grad school. It was important.

But relationships were important too. That was a lesson I learned through my college years.

It's ok to not be perfect. To instead take those moments of critique, of imperfection, and ask, "How can I grow from this?" How can we resolve this problem, without worrying or stressing out? What can I learn from this?

In my daughters calm demeanor, I was reminded, that often, an easy answer is in sight. It doesn't take stressing and worrying to figure things out. Sometimes, it just takes a moment of prayer. A moment of quiet. A moment to view things from a different perspective.

Aren't children amazing teachers?

Fear Not: A Guest Post over at The Mudroom Blog

I sat there, sipping my mocha, while our daughter rolled a ball across the floor, back and forth, and periodically tried to escape from the little corner where we had planted ourselves in, waiting for them to call the flight. I took a picture or two of father and daughter, grinning, holding each other close. And then, before I was ready for it, he was hugging me one last time, and getting into line to board his flight — the flight that would take him, first to training, and then to the other side of the globe, to fight for freedom and safety.

He stepped onto the jetway, and I turned toward the exit, holding back tears as my daughter toddled along beside me, totally oblivious to what had just happened. In a daze I walked back outside, strapped my daughter in her seat, and then drove across town before the tears finally hit.

He was gone.

Today I'm guest posting over at The Mudroom Blog. Come on over and read more about our first deployment and how God worked on my heart through that season of fear. 

Hop on over to The Mudroom Blog here: 

When Your Child Becomes "That Child"

School has been an interesting challenge for us this year. Back in August, I placed my two-year-old in preschool. At first he cried, especially at drop-off and pick-up, but soon, he seemed to adjust pretty well. And then... he started acting out. I was so sad when I received the first email about him. My sweet boy wasn't being very nice at all. In fact, he was being all out defiant. 

Oh twos. 

At times, we'll go a week or two without any instances, but then, his little independent spirit will rise up again, and I'll here more about his school shenanigans. 

Oh dear.

My mommy heart hurts that we're going through this with him. My prayer, day in and day out, is that he'll learn a great lesson on kindness. But teaching a two-year-old about kindness is pretty difficult!

Just the same, I'm so thankful for the people who have come alongside us through this struggle. Starting preschool, being around other kids his age, and learning to respect authority are big lessons for his little brain to learn. But I believe they're important ones. And I'm so thankful for the tremendous compassion others are giving us through this stage. 

1) Teachers. I'm thankful for teachers that are gracious, and willing to work with my son. They understand his young age, but also aren't willing to let him get away with such behavior.

2) Friends: I'm thankful for friends that are gracious and understand. They understand that this is a working issue, something I'm addressing with him as it arises, but also something I don't condone. 

3) Perspective: I can definitely think back to past circumstances when I wasn't as gracious with other young children. When they were mean to my child, and I took offense. Being in these shoes has reminded me just how hard this parenting gig is. It's not easy people, and we're all working through it together. 

4) Free-will: We love our children and try so hard to teach them right from wrong, but they still like to make their own decisions, don't they? They still make decisions we don't always like, or condone. This scares me, as I think about my children growing older. But it also makes me pray for them all the more. I pray, that they don't always take the hard road. That God protects their little hearts. That they learn early in this life that living their life for Jesus is the best choice they could ever choose to make.  And I know, that God created their beautiful, highly spirited personalities for for a reason!

“Rain down, you heavens, from above,
And let the skies pour down righteousness;
Let the earth open, let them bring forth salvation,
And let righteousness spring up together.
I, the Lord, have created it.

Woe to him who strives with his Maker!
Let the potsherd strive with the potsherds of the earth!
Shall the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’
Or shall your handiwork say, ‘He has no hands’?”

— Isaiah 45:8-9, NKJV

“He has made everything beautiful in its time”

— Ecclesiates 3:11, NKJV

Thursday Rambles

This week I:

Started watching Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. What memories it's bringing back! I found season 1 & season 2 at a thrift store! The only problem is that now I'm going to want to watch the rest!

Spent some unexpected time with my daughter. She had a fever on Tuesday, so the two of us spent the morning home together. We painted toes, drank lots of Orange Juice, and watched some Tinkerbell. I felt bad that she wasn't feeling 100%, but the girl time was wonderful. It was also just such a reminder of how big she's getting! It was refreshing to focus time on her like that!

Caught up an Influence Network class from a few months back "Love Your Home" by Sarah Schneider. Best advice? Live in your home for awhile, learn it's bones, before you make any drastic changes! (Like painting all the rooms). She also suggested keeping walls to a neutral palette, and using indoor/outdoor fabric on furniture! The walls and floors are painted white in her kid's play area, she feels like this gives them the ability to imagine anything with the space! 

Read (ing): Christy by Catherine Marshall. I have a short list of books I'm really trying to finish right now. This one is a slow read, but interesting! I'm thinking of skimming it a bit to make it the rest of the way through. 

Also listing to the Audible version of Wives & Daughters by Elizabeth Gaskell

And I've just started this seven-day devotional. It's a free download over on kayliehodges.com!

Held: My boy while he feel asleep for his nap this afternoon. Seriously don't know the last time I've done that! I often sit on the floor in his room while he's falling asleep, but today I held him, and he felt way too big in my lap. He smelled of dirt, sweat, and hours of fun outside with friends. Everything a little boy should smell of! Cherishing up those moments!

Just Me

Have I mentioned lately that I love The Influence Network? Last year, I attended their conference, and since then have become involved in their online community. It's a place for Christian women to come together, pray, encourage and empower one another. There's forums, private small groups, and monthly online classes on all sorts of topics, from studying the Bible, to business tips, savvy wardrobes, or household decorating. 

On Tuesday night I took a class called Thriving over Striving by Sarah Dolislager. In the class, Sarah lead us through different scriptures, shared from her personal life, and encouraged us to consider where we're truly finding our value. Is it in numbers, in being recognized, in making a large stamp on this life, or is our value found in Jesus alone? For her, this meant closing her business for awhile, so that she could focus on being the best wife, best friend that God created her to be. 

When the class began, I honestly didn't think there was anything I could apply to my life. But then, I started to see the cracks. I started to recognized the areas in which I do strive to be recognized, to be known. Where I do strive to be something... more. 

I think it's a part of our lives that often has to be reevaluated. From time to time, it's good to ask ourselves where our focus lies. Are we looking to the work for recognition too much, or looking too much at our own abilities, versus focusing on God?

For me, it means keeping my priorities in check.

It means being content with the gifts and abilities that God has given me. 

It means, not necessarily that I stop writing, stop trying to submit work to publications, but that I make sure that my focus is on Jesus, not the amount of Instagram followers (or blog reads) that I have at the moment. And that, honestly, I don't take it too personally when people reject my writing. I know I have a story to tell, so I'll keep putting the time in, keep seeking out new venues to share that story. 

It means not comparing myself to others, but finding joy in the life God has created for me.

It means finding ways to use my abilities, in the life, in the family God has given me. This means that I often don't have much time for writing. My 2 & 5 year old are way too dependent for me to do that just yet. But I do think it's important to not feel frustrated with them. And to not compare my life with someone else's.

It means... truly being happy being me. Me, fearfully and wonderfully made, with a love of reading, writing, sharing what the Lord has on my heart. Me. Just me. Created in the image of God with passions, desires, words that I long to share. Me. Thriving where God has placed me for such a time as this. 

Aroma

“But thanks be to God, who always puts us on display in Chris and through us spreads the aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. For to God we are the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing”

— 2 Corinthians 2:14-15, HCSB

I've been thinking a lot about prayer this week. I truly want my prayer life to grow. I want to spend dedicated time each day truly going through prayer requests, people I've promised to pray for, things on my heart. And I want to spend time listening. Because my world is a noisy one! 

Prayers in this season of life are usually rushed, often spoken throughout the day. 

Lately, I've been choosing to get up early. To spend time working out on the Elliptical, and also reading some morning scriptures. Taking care of my own physical and spiritual health. It's good for me. It's pushing me to do something for myself.

These disciplines are something I want my kids to see as well. I want them to see the importance I place on being healthy, in all senses of the word.

But it's not easy.

It's not easy to find time in an already jam packed life.

I get so frustrated when that extra prayer time doesn't happen. 

But...

This season, with children that are still so dependent on me, is fleeting.

Perhaps it's less about finding more time away from my kids in prayer, and more about finding moments to pray with them.

I could:

• Pray with them in the car, on our way to school in the morning.
• Pray with them at dinner time.
• Encourage them to pray on their own at bedtime.
• Pray for them with their confused, upset, frustrated. Teach them that God is always there, ready to listen to our hearts.
• Pray with them, and teach them to come to God during the good moments and bad. To praise Him for all He's done and all that He's about to do.

Because my greatest influence, is right in front of me. I have the privilege of teaching these two about Jesus day in and day out. 

And so, instead of being frustrated by time I don't have, I'll be thankful for all the learning moments I do have. 

For we are the aroma of Christ to our children, our friends, our neighbors. 

Just how will we use that influence?

Letting Others Love My Children

I read a really inspiring post over on Grace for Moms the other day, check it out here. The author was sharing about her cancer diagnosis at the beginning of 2015, and how hard it was to give up time with her young son, and let others love on him during this hard season. I can't imagine such a diagnosis, but I can identify with her mommy struggles. In this Pinterest age of supper mommies, we hold ourselves to such a high standard. We want to do it all with our children, to make the most of every situation. And we want to prove that we can handle this motherhood thing on our own. But, sometimes, life invades. Frazzled circumstances enter in, and we're forced to admit that we can't do this on our own. We put our sweet children in preschool, hire that babysitter, or trade babysitting with a friend, and then suffer the mommy guilt. The feeling that we're somehow letting our kids down. That we weren't enough. 

But you know what?

Sometimes it's ok to let other people love on my children.

I had grand plans to homeschool my children. Before my first child was born, I had even signed up to receive emails from one homeschool curriculum company. I was definite in my decision, homeschooling was the perfect choice for our military way of life. 

But then... life entered in. A deployment, a 2,000 mile move, a second deployment—homeschooling just didn't seem like the right choice for us, at that moment. And so, our daughter was sent to preschool. I suffered so much guilt over this, but, soon, I began to see changes. She was excited about this, our relationship at home was improving because of this, and peace entered in. I knew that, for this season, schooling outside the home was the right decision. And then this year, Kindergarten. I truly never thought we would send her outside the home for Kindergarten, but we did, and it's wonderful. Wonderful, because I feel such a peace about sending her there. Wonderful, because I'm learning that, sometimes, it's ok to let go of my kids a bit. It's ok to admit that, at this point in time, mommy needs a little break. Mommy needs to breathe. And that this school, is the perfect, thriving place for my daughter to be. 

My second child entered a preschool program this Fall, and once again I felt a bit guilty, especially because He had a rough beginning. (We're still trying to get through the tears at drop-off and pick-up, y'all). But I know that this change will be good for my son and I as well. He will get the chance to socialize, be around other children his age, and learn from a teacher outside of the home. And I have to say, the teachers at his school are amazing! They're encouraging, uplifting, teaching them how to interact with others, teaching them about Jesus. And by loving my children, they're loving my heart as well.

Isn't that the beautiful part? When we let others love on our children, we feel the overflow as well. When I know my children are happy, and exactly in the place they need to be, my heart feels happy and at peace. And that is a marvelous thing! I truly believe that God knew that I needed this season. That He has some lesson for my heart in this coming year, with both kiddos in school. There will be definitely be some heart work going on. And so, I open my hands, and thank Him for this season of grace. This season of letting go, and letting others love my children. I thank Him for this wonderful school, where I felt good about leaving my kids each day. And, I pray about future years. Who knows, a few years down the road, the answer to homeschooling may be a resounding yes! But the lesson for my heart will still be the same. Sometimes it's good to let other people love my children. 

The Lifeguard

They sat as a group by the side of the pool, listening to the instructor. Before they jumped in the pool there were rules to follow, a list of directions to attend to. And then, they jumped. Not holding the instructor's hand, but free fall. Would there be a bottom? Would they be able to stand? Some where fearless when it came to this, others held back, one or two even needed a hand, especially on the first few days. But slowly they became confident with this first step, because... they knew they could stand. And so they jumped in, cool water in the hot morning sun, drenching them from the feet up. But standing in the water wasn't enough. Next, next they had to put their head under, once, twice, five times. Five times they had to put their head under, trusting that their breath would hold. Trusting that the life guard was watching them. 

You should have seen my daughter's face at this point. She glowed with happiness. She was so proud that she had dunked her head under water. It was just the beginning of learning how to swim, but she was proud of this first, substantial step. 

The first step is not being afraid. The first step is to just put your head under water. Some of us take forever to even make it this far. We don't trust our lungs. We're afraid of putting our head under, for even a second.  

But she did this.  

And then, the life guard asked for something more.

He had her lay on her back, extend her arms and legs, and float. To trust the buoyancy of her young body, to trust that, while he wasn't holding her, he was near by to catch her when she started to sink.  

To trust that he'd always be right there, each time a new task was placed in front of her. 

And then she was placing her feet against the wall, pushing out into the unknown. Swimming towards the lifeguard. Propelling her little arms and legs forward. 

Trusting. 

Extending. 

Growing. 

Reaching. 

My mommy heart was scared for her at times. I worried that the life guard would be distracted, that he wouldn't realize just how small she was. The other members of her class were head and shoulders above her. What was shallow to them was deep to her.  

But he always caught her just in time. Just in time his arms reached out and pulled her back in. 

She was never truly outside of his reach, even when she was flying through the water. Even when it seemed like she was all alone.  

Even when her future was unclear, she had to trust in what she knew. She knew that he had kept her from sinking before. She knew that he had always been there. She knew that he spoke honestly to her. So she pushed out from the wall, tried moving her arms and legs, and tried to see what would happen next. Sometimes she didn't get very far. She was still small, and weak. The life guard said it would take time, time to build up stamina, time to grow and continue to learn. But again and again she was in that water. For two weeks she showed up, practicing those skills. At the end of the lessons, she wasn't quite there yet. But the skills she had learned so far where so important. Trust, trust in her own ability to breathe. Trust that she could float in the water. Trust that the life guard would keep her from sinking while she learned. 

There are days when I feel so weak. I find myself, barely being able to move my arms, starting to sink. But I know, I know God has kept me until now. I know that His plans for me have been in place since the beginning. So, I stretch my fingers out, stick my belly up in the air, and try to float. I float through the waters of this life, sometimes smooth, sometimes rocky, trusting that God will protect me. He will protect me in new territory, in the unknowns. He will protect me, as I continue to let go of my children, and let experience God for themselves. He will protect me, as we face moves in our future, new places, new adventures. He will protect me on the easy, rolling days of motherhood, and on the days when I sense just how deep the water is. He will places His hand on my back when I start to sink, and hold me steadfast. 

He has always caught me. He is my refuge and strength (Psalm 94:18,19.22).

His plans are good and true (Jeremiah 29:11).

He loves me and has called me to a purpose (Romans 8:28).

I can't go anywhere that He hasn't already been (Psalm 139). 

He has written every day of my story, and that of my children (Psalm 139).

And so, I trust Him as we start on a new adventure. I trust Him, when He asks me to jump, free fall into the water, waiting for the bottom to come. I trust Him, when I lay on my back, ears muted by the water, face toward the sky, knowing that He is the Creator of all. He is my ultimate Life Guard. He is worthy of my trust and adoration. I trust in what I know.  

Just Mama

This summer, I said goodby to blogging. I said goodbye to brainstorming, researching, submitting propsals to magazines.  

Let's back track a bit. In January, the husband and I sat down and looked at my writing, my blog, and made a game plan for the year. I set aside time to write consistantly again, with the desire to get my heart out there, and share my story with others. It went well at first. My daughter was in Preschool a few times a week, so my writing time was squeezed in those few hours, while my youngest took his morning nap. Except... he didn't nap. There were may days that I couldn't get him down at all, or it would take so long to get him down that I wouldn't have any time left to write. My writing starting spilling over onto other parts of my life, afternoons, when my daughter was home from school, and wanted my attention, even weekends, while my husband and kids played.  

It just wasn't working. I was spending my days so frustrated at my kids, because they were keeping my from my calling. Keeping me from what I really wanted to be doing. What I feel God called me to do. What felt so good back in January, really wasn't working at all anymore.  

And so, my heart whispered, stop. Stop striving, stop trying to do something that obviously isn't working for your family in this season. JUST BE MAMA. 

Writing is such an important part of me. It makes me happy, it fills me up. But it can't interfere with my family. And so, I largly backed off of writing. I wrote occasionaly, but only when a true moment by myself arose.

And then summer came, with it's long sunny days, hours spent with chalk in the driveway, or with the sprinklers soaking us all from head to foot, camping, visits from family, and suddenly, I blinked, and school is starting up again. I find myself with time to write, and I'm scared. Scared about sharing my heart with the world again. Scared, because perfection often holds me back. Scared, but so blessed by the imperfect summer my kids and I shared together. A summer where being their Mama was my greatest privilage of all. My number one job. My tremendous calling. I'm scared, but also so excited to start sharing my writing with you all again, both here, and on other media platforms. 

Yes, I do believe we can have callings upon our lives. Areas where God has gifted us, things that seem so good, have such a lasting purpose, but I always want to make sure I assess those areas. If it's causing stress in my home life, then I know that answer is "not yet". Not necessarily a "no." But more of a reassessment, a time of waiting. Someday, my children will be grown, out of our house, possibly living far away, and I'll have all the time I want to write. But for right now, they're small, and I want to honor that. Honor and cherish the fact that God has given them to me to raise. That I'm so much more than "Just Mama" to them. I'm their constancy, the person they wake up to each day, the person who keeps them organized, keeps them fed, keeps them safe, reminds them how loved they are, teaches them the things of God. 

Sometimes I struggle with that calling, feeling like being "Mama" isn't enough. I want to reach a wider audience, have more of an influence. But it's my immense job to raise up these two little humans. That is such a substaintial job. Just think of what God may be calling them to do someday! I could see my two spirited children doing some pretty amazing things! But into order to do that, Jesus needs to be shared to them right now, in these formitive, molding years. What a daunting task! And what an intense privilage!  

And so, all this to say, I'm back! Back on my beloved blog, and back to freelance writing again! But with a new perspective. Deployed Heart will once be here as a place of encouragement, of building up, of telling woman out there that they are not alone in this military life. It will be a place of devotionals, wholesome book reviews, and perhaps even some short stories! I'm so excited about what's to come!

Birthdays Past

As we walked down the sidewalk, breathing in the sunshine, soaking up the array of flowers, listening to the chatter of my daughter beside me, my heart was filled with all the memories of past years, past birthdays. Precious moments.

My mother, crawling in bed with me, whispering happy birthday as I slowly woke up. Year after year. Now, I still anticipate her phone call to be the first birthday wish of my day. Because who would remember more than she? She who carried me and birthed me and raised me. 

At 9, hair ribbons in my ponytail, ecstatic over my first American Girl Doll.

At 16, when my mom surprised me with a slumber party with all my youth group friends. A counter filled with food, rented movies to be watched, giddy late night talks and silliness to be ensued. 

At 21, when my best friend and I shared the same birthday, and our friends sent us on a scavenger hunt around campus, decked out in old prom dresses, hunting through the woods, being serenaded by a guy on a bench, ending up blindfolded in a car, until we arrived a fancy Italian restaurant. A circle table filled with laughing, girls, giddy with life, independence, the joys of friendship.

At 26, a newlywed, spending my first birthday far, far away from home. Buying my first sewing machine, and a few herbs to plant outside our front door. Having a meal cooked by my husband, creating new traditions together. 

And now 32, enjoying a quiet birthday, still fully mommy, with all the responsibilities, but filled with joy. Joy, because I was blessed to experience that day, even if there was sibling bickering diapers, and dirty dishes to do. Blessed, because God has given me so much. So many joyful memories, and so many more to come. Blessed, because I can see His hand at each moment. Blessed for the loved ones who have passed through my life.

The memories, the ghosts of the past, have left their beautiful imprint on my life now. And so, for awhile, I let them stay, I let my mind dream of past birthdays, and I thanked the Lord for today. Because one day, these moments, will be a memory, and oh how I want to make the most of today. 

On Slowing the Pace

I was so frustrated. I found myself getting grumpy, frustrated with my children, angry at myself. I had it all planned out, a neat schedule, deadlines, goals. I felt ready. Ready to balance my life with little ones and my ambitions. But then, my son's nap times got irregular, my times of work became even more unpredictable, I found myself making up the time in other random parts of the day, times during the day when I had both my kiddos begging for my attention. My planning self became annoyed, my introvert self became frustrated, "why can't they play alone?" "Why do they constantly want my attention?" "Why isn't this working out?"

I was getting frustrated, and angry. 

And so I realized it was time to step back.

Time to let go of some ambitions, some dreams, at least for a few months.

Time to let go and simply enjoy summer with my children.

Time to give those dreams back to God, and wait for Him to give the go-ahead.

It was hard to do. Hard, when I felt so "called" from Him to do this. Hard, when my dreams and passions seem like such a good thing. Hard, when the calling beats within my heart.

Hard, to not finish checking off the boxes, but to keep them open for now.

Hard, because I see others who seem to balance it all, but I can't.

But maybe it's less about what I can or can't do at this point, and more about surrender.

Surrender, letting go. Admitting that I was getting too grumpy and frustrated. Admitting, that I was losing track of the bigger picture. Admitting that my heart needs time to breathe this summer.

Yes, I'll still be writing this summer. I'll still be dreaming and plotting and game-planning for this Fall. But it will only be when the rare moment arises (like right now, when my little guy is actually napping!). And who knows, this summer break may be exactly what I need. This summer will be a time to read more, to journal more, and to definitely pray about directions God may want to take the calling upon my heart.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever had a true calling upon your heart, but realized that it's just the wrong season to realize that calling? That's definitely the place I'm at right now. I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

2015 Bookshelf: The Blythes Are Quoted

I'm so excited to share my next read for Modern Mrs. Darcy's 2015 Reading Challenge. I've now finished 10 out of 12! Only two more to go. Check out the books I've read, and some of my ideas for the last few on my Pinterest board. 

A Book By A Favorite Author:

L.M. Montgomery has long been a favorite  of mine. The Anne of Green Gables series is precious to me, an old friend that I've read over and over again. So when I stumbled across this book I'd never read before, I had to give it a go. 

This book was submitted to publishers shortly before L.M. Montgomery's death in 1942. Parts of it were published posthumously as The Road to Yesterday in 1974, but with some of the stories edited and the dialog between Anne and her family between stories removed. Why? Critics really aren't sure, but they do think it might have something to do with these stories being so much darker than others by L.M. Montgomery. Her outlook on WWII was depressing. To someone who lived through the Great War, the thought of another was disheartening. And so, edits were made, nearly a hundred pages were cut out, and readers didn't get the full picture of what L.M. Montgomery was writing (see Afterword by Benjamin Lefabvre, p.511)

Personally, I loved her short stories and poems in this volume. The short stories give a peak into life on Prince Edward Island, while the Blythe family is growing up. Sometimes you get the smallest peak into how Anne's family is doing, but for the most part, it is the stories of their neighbors and friends. Some of the stories are dark and mysterious, others joyous, some, almost supernatural! 

My favorite stories from the collection:

Some Fools and a Saint- definitely keeps you guessing!

Fancy's Fool: the supernatural element makes you wonder, just how much of it was a dream?

The Pot and the Kettle: Surprisingly sweet ending

One last word: Don't read this volume thinking that you're getting another story about Anne. It's really not about her. But do read it if you love L.M. Montgomery's short stories. There are definitely a few in this collection that you'll read over  and over again!

2015 Bookshelf: Great Expectations

I just checked off the next book on my 2015 Reading Challenge List (from Modern Mrs. Darcy)! You can view my list of books here. 

A book I should have read High School: 

For ages, I've wanted to read a Dickens novel. Back in High School, I tried to delve in, even during my college years I attempted one or another, but I could never get into it. I was convinced that Dickens just wasn't my cup of tea.

I was so wrong.

Great Expectations had it all, a compelling narrative, fascinating characters, gothic themes, and suspense!

Sometimes the dialog and wording was a bit confusing, but I loved sinking deep into a book, one that required me to think, grow conclusions, piece together themes throughout. I felt like I was back in grad school again, ha! Every once in awhile, I love a novel that demands critical thinking. This one surely delivered.

My favorite part? I loved the characterizations. So many fascinating characters in this novel! One of my favorites was Miss Havisham. This lady was straight out of a gothic novel! Stuck in times past, dwelling upon a wedding that never happened, infested, bemoaning, begrudging, more a ghost than a woman. She's a spectacular character!

Pip describes his first meeting with Miss Havisham as thus:

“I saw that everything within my view which ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its lustre, and was faded and yellow. I saw that the bride within the bridal dress had withered like the dress, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes. I saw that the dress had been put upon the rounded figure of a young woman, and that the figure upon which it now hung loose, had shrunk to skin and bone.”

— p.91-92

She sits in her house, day after day, one wedding shoe on and the other off, stopped at a moment in time that never progressed forward (p.91). Pip views her as a living skeleton, someone who is, truly, no longer living (92). She sits smoldering with resentment and hatred over the man who jilted her. She never sees the light of day and refuses to acknowledge that time has progressed. Even her wedding cake has been left out on a table, to rot away in a most disgusting way:

“The most prominent object was a long table with a tablecloth spread on it, as if a feast had been in preparation when the house and the clocks stopped all together. An epergne or centre-piece of some kind was in the middle of this cloth; it was so heavily overhung with cobwebs that its form was quite undisinguishable; and, as I looked along the yellow expanse out of which I remember its seeming to grow, like a black fungus, I saw speckled-legged spiders with blotchy bodies running home to it, and running out from it, as if some circumstance of of the greatest public importance had just transpired in the spider community”

— p.117

Miss Havisham's spitefulness over being jilted is shown through the way she refuses to move on, move past the experience. Instead, she fumes, insisting that her life was ruined at that moment. And so, the clocks stand still in her household, the cake rots, she never puts on her other wedding shoe. Perhaps the worst result of her hatred is seen in her treatment of Estella. Estella is a young ward who is placed in Miss Havisham's house. Miss Havisham molds this young child, teaching her to hate from an early age, enforcing a heart of stone upon her. It is only near the end that she realizes just what an error she made, in raising up Estella so.

It is only near the end of her life that Miss Havisham recognizes the mistake she'd made (p.443). Although Pip feels sorry for her, he can't help but acknowledge just how selfish she had been:

“I knew not how to answer, or how to comfort her. That she had done a grievous thing in taking an impressionable child to mould into the form that her wild resentment, spurned affection, and wounded pride, found vengeance in, I knew full well. But that, in shutting out the light of day, she had shut out infinitely more; that, in seclusion, she had secluded herself from a thousand natural and healing influences; that, her mind, brooding solitary, had grown diseased, as all minds do and must and will that reverse the appointed order of their Maker; I knew equally well.”

— p.444

Miss Havisham had shut out the world, long before her time. Instead of living out her purpose, of inviting people into her life and living, she lived as if she was already dead. And that, Pip recognizes, what a grave mistake. Pip has his own lessons to learn in Great Expectations as well. But I think Miss Havisham's sad story teaches him something as well. People can have a great influence over others, they must use it wisely. And people are not meant to live alone. They need their loved ones to go through life with, through the easy and hard times, supporting one another, teaching each other to love and forgive. Miss Havisham missed out on life, because sat and fumed with resentment. She sewed hatred, instead of love. Perhaps a bit of a lesson for us all?

Planted

Today I feel drained.

My heart, feels so close to shattering.

I'm not sure I can handle it.

But then again, I'm not supposed to. 

Not on my own.

Lord, please work through the situations that I cannot. Give me the words, or the silence, when it's needed.

I'm not used to this.

This soil, feels so dry.

These roots, dislike transplanting so much.

To stretch

To grow.

Oh Lord, how painful it is!

My heart, it aches for simpler times.

Weak.

Unsure.

Doubtful.

But then, 

I remember.

That you are my strength when I am weak.

The soil, has to be dug up.

Transplanting may occur.

So that all can see the light.

But oh the process of getting there.

Right now, I can hardly breathe.

I'm stuck in the midst of the middle season.

The season of growth.

The season of trust.

Trust in the gardener, and His ever present hand.

Trust that He sees the Master plan, the way this garden will come together in the end.

Trust that He understands the process, when I cannont.

Trust on the days when transplanting just plain hurts.

When this life is anything but easy.

When I can't see the bigger picture.

When I know that growth is painful.

Being faced with my own shortcomings is painful.

Not knowing is painful.

But trusting.

Trusting in His masterplan.

Trusting that He has planted me here for good reasons.

“He is like a tree planted beside streams of water that bears its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.”

— Psalm 1:3, HCSB

The Power of Food

Chicken Curry, one of our favorite recipes from It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig.

My husband and I have been taking the Whole 30 challenge this month. Thirty days without sugar, grains, legumes, and dairy, a little crazy, yes? I thought so too, but I was intrigued, and wanted to give it a chance. I can hardly believe that we're now down to the last week. We've almost made it!  Here are some of my findings so far:

I love fresh vegetables and fruit! And I sorely underestimate the amount the four of us will eat at a meal (especially if I want leftovers for lunch the next day!). Also, meat and vegetables are tremendously filling! They leave me full, and settle well with me.

I still need a snack, largely because our days start early around here. But, with so many things off the table, I find my snacks are healthy, fruit and veggies, things that will only give me more energy.

It’s not all that hard to say no. I’ve been presented with several opportunities to cheat. In that past, I would have said that “ I had no choice.” Who can stare brownies in the face and say no? Definitely not me. Plus, I worry about being impolite if I do say no. Now, I’ve found, that it’s really not that bad. I really do have more control over myself then I thought I did. Food, does not have such a crazy hold on me.

It's not impossible to travel and eat healthy. I was kind of nervous about doing Whole 30 during our Spring Break trip, but we succeeded! We packed coolers with plenty of food to eat, had our lunches pre-planned, and researched the menu of a local restaurant at our destination. We knew, before entering the restaurant, what exactly we could eat there, and left feeling satisfied, without cheating. Honestly, it was hard being on a family vacation and having to plan so much, but it was doable. We made sure our hotel room had a little kitchenette, so that we could cook some meals while we were there as well. This definitely helped a ton! And I found myself loving our picnic lunches with the kids each day. It was such a great way to spend time together! (Picnic lunches on vacations are definitely a trend I plan to keep after Whole 30!). 

Do I feel incredibly different? Not really. Sadly, this eating plan hasn’t really helped my headaches. They’re still there, but, we can count out a lot of food groups as the culprits now, which I guess is helpful? I'm also not sure I have loads more energy,  but I do have two little kids who honestly wear me out each day. My amount of energy largely depends on them, how well they sleep at night, and if they have a good rest time during the day. Just the same, I feel good about myself, and the food choices I'm making this month.
 

After Whole 30? We’ve talked about still trying to eat pretty healthy. Still filling up our plates with protein, fruit and veggies. Yes, grains will find their way back into our lives, but I’d like them to take a smaller role in the meal, at least most days.

Hardest part? Planning 3 meals, 7 days a week. It’s been good for me to get back into having a meal plan, to have options. For several years now, we’ve basically ate out on the weekends, or had leftovers at home. I would like to try harder after Whole 30 to plan through the weekend as well.

Missing? I definitely miss our homemade popcorn on Sunday nights (we usually have a movie night with the kids!). Although we’ve been creative this month, making baked sweet potato fries each movie night. I’m sure we’ll go back to popcorn, but we may have the homemade fries as well.

Also missing? The ability to order pizza if I’m truly exhausted... and wine. I like the occasional glass of wine with the hubby :)

And I know the hubby is missing legumes, we love our lentils and peas :)

We had gotten pretty slack, eating out too much, and not having fruits and veggies at every meal. This has been a great way to get us back on track, make us think about what we’re putting into our system everyday, and look toward the future. And in a lot of ways, it’s empowered me.

We always have a choice.

We’re not trapped.

Food should be enjoyable. It should be favorable. It should be fun. Those are things I want to teach my children. I also want to teach them that there’s always a choice. We don’t always have to indulge.

In some ways, I think when you indulge too much, the moments that you do splurge are less enjoyable. You haven’t been anticipating it. It’s not that best thing ever. But when you save up, when you ask yourself “is this truly worth it? Is this the best cake recipe ever?” then you can truly enjoy it for what it is, a treat. Then you can enjoy food. Enjoy life. Feel good about yourself, and the way you’re raising your loved ones.

Whole 30 has been a great way to experiment with this.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. We still have 7 days left.

Here goes the last week!

Let those Flowers Grow

I transplanted a bunch of Iris bulbs early this Spring. They were packed in the ground, two, sometimes even three bulbs deep. They were beautiful last year, but just wait until they bloom now! Now that they have space. Now that they can all sink their roots deeply into the soil and breathe. Yes, they'll be pretty this Spring, but it will be next year when they're in their glory. Next Spring, my yard will be filled with purple, at least as long as the blooms hold. 

It's hard thinking that i may not see my bulbs bloom next year. That this could, very well, be our last Spring in this town. The military is like that. Families are always picking up and moving on. I'm aware of this. I already have a few PSC's under my belt. Just the same, I love this place, this town, our church, our daughter's school. It's precious to me because of the memories we've created here, the relationships we've invested in. To think that I may not see my flowers bloom next Spring hurts my heart. 

For the longest time, I didn't plant much, didn't spend much time with my hands sunk in the dirt, sun shining on my head. I didn't garden, because why would I? Why would I when someone else may see the fruit? Yes, I did keep some potted plants, because pots can easily be moved. But plant things in the dirt? No, I wouldn't invest that energy into it. But this year. This year feels different. This year I long for the feeling of dirt between my fingers. I look forward to watching my bulbs bloom. I tend and care for them because it's therapeutic to me, it brings me joy.

This place, this humble home we live in, may not always be ours, but it's ours for this season. For this season, it's where we eat, where we sleep, where our children laugh and learn and grow. And I want to take pride in my home, inside and out. I want to make those most of an imperfect space, furniture that never quite fits and that's covered in stains from "helpful" toddlers," cube shelves that worked wonderfully in our last house, but fit awkwardly here, odd shaped rooms, growing children that need more space, odd places for my office computer. This is all part of what makes up our home, for today.  And so, I plan to live in it. I'll organize it the best I can, live with the imperfections, and plant flowers that will bloom. Why? Because they speak to my soul. They make me happy. They bring joy. Joy to me. And joy to those who may live in this home after us. 

This is the day that the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. 

My encouragement to you today? Let those flowers grow, even if you may not see the results. Invest in what you have right before you right now. Seek beauty and life. Live completely in today, in the beautiful life God has given you. Let Him take care of tomorrow. 

2015 Bookshelf

I have now finished 8 of the 12 categories on Modern Mrs. Darcy's 2015 Book Challenge. I'm really having fun with this! It's a great way to prioritize, and read a bunch of books I've been wanting to read anyway! This challenge has also encouraged me to start using my local library a lot more. I got out of practice, with little ones at home, so it's been fun frequenting our local library on a weekly basis. If you'd like to see my reading list, visit my Pinterest board here.

A Book My Mom Loves: Mr. Churchill's Secretary by Susan Elia MacNeal

I have to admit, I'm hooked on this series. It's fiction, but I love how much history is woven right into the story.  This is book 1 in the Maggie Hope series. Maggie is Prime Minister Winston Churchill's newest typist. While working in his office, she's quickly pulled into a mystery, one she must help resolve with her code-breaking skills, before it's too late.  Maggie is such a smart, independent character, but you still feel her frustrations as a single woman during WWII. She wants to be taken seriously, but that's not always easy. The mystery may be slightly farfetched, but it was enjoyable, and kept me reading until the last page!

Downside: Some swearing, references to Maggie's best friend being gay,  and some inferred intimate scenes between characters.  I honestly don't see the point of these things. The story would be perfectly find without it. 

Recommended For: someone who loves historical fiction, and a good mystery. Even with the drawbacks, I couldn't wait to see what happened next in Maggie's story. I've already read book two (Princess Elizabeth's Spy)!

A Book In A Genre I Wouldn't Typically Read:  Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein.
 

I have to admit, this book was quite the departure for me. When I looked at this category, I quickly turned to my husband for help. He's a sci-fi guy, so I knew he could recommend something good for me. Overall, I wasn't disappointed. I was fascinated by the world Heinlein created in this novel. Published in 1959, it gives a futuristic look at what life will look like, if we all inhabit outer space someday. There's a lot of social commentary, which I often found dry and longwinded, but I loved all of the descriptions of the starship and the troopers uniforms. I also enjoyed the actual missions Johnnie Rico went on. There's much that can be applied, even to our society today. It's fascinating to think that Heinlein's futuristic world was probably taking place in the 21st century. We definitely don't have some of the technology he dreamed we'd have by now, which makes the book even more intriguing. 

Recommend For:  anyone who is interested into an late 1950s look at sci-fi. Or for anyone with a sci-fi fanatic spouse :) It's definitely a good conversation starter type book.

A Book Published This Year: Where Trust Lies by Janette Oke and Laurel Oke Logan

I have been an avid Janette Oke fan since I started reading her books in Junior High (more than 15 years ago, what?). I also have to admit to being a Heartie (Hallmark's When Calls the Heart).  The Hallmark television series was a big hit when the first season aired last year! It takes a large departure from Janette Oke's original series by the same name, so Oke, along with her daughter Oke-Logan, chose to write a companion series to follow along. These books follows Beth, the niece of Elizabeth in the original book series. When Courage Calls was the first book. Where Trust Lies picks up where the first book ended. Beth travels back home from her teaching post in Coal Valley to visit with her family for the summer. While home, the women in Beth's family surprise her with a cruise. Most of the story, along with the mystery, take place on the cruise ship. 

I have to say I loved the mystery aspect of this story. It was definitely different from past stories I've read by Oke. I also love that it's a companion to the Hallmark show, although Oke & Logan  take  creative liberties with the story (it doesn't necessarily follow the plot of the Hallmark show). 

I also enjoyed the look into propriety, honoring your father and mother, and the general etiquette of the time-period. Beth's younger sister, Julie, definitely pushes the boundaries on this. 

Downside: It doesn't quite feel like Oke's books of old. The writing style is definitely different now that she's older and her daughter is writing along side her. I can't explain the difference exactly, but it's definitely there. I'm just not quite as in love with this book as I have been with past ones. Maybe it was the setting change? I'd rather see Beth at her teaching post, then on a fancy cruise boat. Even with the downsides, I will definitely still be reading the next book in the series. 

Recommended For: someone who wants a nice, Christian, wholesome book to read.  

A Book I've Been Meaning to Read: Where'd You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple

This book has been on all kinds of "must read lists" since it was published 2 years ago. Overall, I found it to be quirky, interesting, and a bit mysterious. I also loved the format, a mixture of letters, emails, memos, and the like. It definitely makes for a light-hearted read. 

Downside: Some swearing and sexual language. 

Overall: It's mixed for me. Once again, there's a little bit of content that makes me give a cautionary review :/ Just the same, it was a really quick read for me. Nice and easy, compared to some other books I have on my bedside table!

Recommend For: someone with the travel bug who wants a different, light-hearted, easy to read book. 

A Reminder from Joshua

“But in spite of this you did not trust the Lord your God, who went before you on the journey to seek out a place for you to camp. He went in the fire by night and in the cloud by day to guide you on the road you were to travel.”

— Deuteronomy 1:32-33, HCSB

“For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this immense wilderness. The Lord your God has been with you this past 40 years, and you have lacked nothing.’”

— Deuteronomy 2:7, HCSB

“ Don’t be afraid of them, for the Lord your God fights for you.”

— Deuteronomy 3:22, HCSB

The Lord was before the Israelites, by day and by night. A pillar by day and a fire by night. They saw His miraculous signs and wonders, His protection of them, time and again, yet still they didn't trust Him. Still they feared what they saw with their eyes. They looked at their circumstances, and withered, backing off. How could they ever face such giants? 

Time and again, Joshua is reminded to be strong and courageous, for The Lord fights for them.

That's such a great reminder to us as well. 

Be strong and courageous.  

Those giants, they are nothing compared to the power of our Almighty God. 

Hallelujah.  

That's the truth I stand upon today. 

He has overcome. 

His is able to handle the giants of my life today. 

He doesn't want me to live in defeat, in doubt, in wondering about my own self-worth. 

Not when He has already overcome. 

I could spend my life wandering around a wilderness. And, honestly, there are times that this life feels like a wilderness. 

Parched. Destitute. Seemingly-without Hope. 

But then God arrives. 

The Breathe of life. 

My manna in the wilderness. 

My provider. 

My sustainer. 

And He reminds me, much like Joshua, to be strong and  courageous.  

To not fear. 

For The Lord God goes with me wherever I go. 

“Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.”

— Psalm 139: 7-12, HCSB

A Woman Who Loved

She loved.

Not with an everyday lovey-dovey sort of love, but with agape. A love that keeps no record of wrong. A love that hopes. A love that never fails.

I’m still trying to figure out that sort of love.

My own love is imperfect. People aren’t always trustworthy. Those I love don’t always follow through. They make mistakes. Un-friend me. And my, how I can hold grudges against them. I think back to times of my life, moments from my childhood, and I can once again feel mad about it. Betrayal. Hurt. Unforgiveness. On my own, I feel all of these things.

But she lived a life different than that.

She who by earthly standards could have held far more grudges than I.

She who watched her father, her sister, her brother, her nephew, and so many others die from mistreatment.

She who experienced hunger and pain, verbal and physical abuse.

She chose to forgive.

And her story influenced my own spiritual legacy.

Want to read more?  March is "Honoring Women" month over at The Mudroom. Hop on over there today, and find out more about this amazing woman. She's definitely someone with a Legacy of Love.