Aroma

“But thanks be to God, who always puts us on display in Chris and through us spreads the aroma of the knowledge of Him in every place. For to God we are the fragrance of Christ among those who are being saved and among those who are perishing”

— 2 Corinthians 2:14-15, HCSB

I've been thinking a lot about prayer this week. I truly want my prayer life to grow. I want to spend dedicated time each day truly going through prayer requests, people I've promised to pray for, things on my heart. And I want to spend time listening. Because my world is a noisy one! 

Prayers in this season of life are usually rushed, often spoken throughout the day. 

Lately, I've been choosing to get up early. To spend time working out on the Elliptical, and also reading some morning scriptures. Taking care of my own physical and spiritual health. It's good for me. It's pushing me to do something for myself.

These disciplines are something I want my kids to see as well. I want them to see the importance I place on being healthy, in all senses of the word.

But it's not easy.

It's not easy to find time in an already jam packed life.

I get so frustrated when that extra prayer time doesn't happen. 

But...

This season, with children that are still so dependent on me, is fleeting.

Perhaps it's less about finding more time away from my kids in prayer, and more about finding moments to pray with them.

I could:

• Pray with them in the car, on our way to school in the morning.
• Pray with them at dinner time.
• Encourage them to pray on their own at bedtime.
• Pray for them with their confused, upset, frustrated. Teach them that God is always there, ready to listen to our hearts.
• Pray with them, and teach them to come to God during the good moments and bad. To praise Him for all He's done and all that He's about to do.

Because my greatest influence, is right in front of me. I have the privilege of teaching these two about Jesus day in and day out. 

And so, instead of being frustrated by time I don't have, I'll be thankful for all the learning moments I do have. 

For we are the aroma of Christ to our children, our friends, our neighbors. 

Just how will we use that influence?

Letting Others Love My Children

I read a really inspiring post over on Grace for Moms the other day, check it out here. The author was sharing about her cancer diagnosis at the beginning of 2015, and how hard it was to give up time with her young son, and let others love on him during this hard season. I can't imagine such a diagnosis, but I can identify with her mommy struggles. In this Pinterest age of supper mommies, we hold ourselves to such a high standard. We want to do it all with our children, to make the most of every situation. And we want to prove that we can handle this motherhood thing on our own. But, sometimes, life invades. Frazzled circumstances enter in, and we're forced to admit that we can't do this on our own. We put our sweet children in preschool, hire that babysitter, or trade babysitting with a friend, and then suffer the mommy guilt. The feeling that we're somehow letting our kids down. That we weren't enough. 

But you know what?

Sometimes it's ok to let other people love on my children.

I had grand plans to homeschool my children. Before my first child was born, I had even signed up to receive emails from one homeschool curriculum company. I was definite in my decision, homeschooling was the perfect choice for our military way of life. 

But then... life entered in. A deployment, a 2,000 mile move, a second deployment—homeschooling just didn't seem like the right choice for us, at that moment. And so, our daughter was sent to preschool. I suffered so much guilt over this, but, soon, I began to see changes. She was excited about this, our relationship at home was improving because of this, and peace entered in. I knew that, for this season, schooling outside the home was the right decision. And then this year, Kindergarten. I truly never thought we would send her outside the home for Kindergarten, but we did, and it's wonderful. Wonderful, because I feel such a peace about sending her there. Wonderful, because I'm learning that, sometimes, it's ok to let go of my kids a bit. It's ok to admit that, at this point in time, mommy needs a little break. Mommy needs to breathe. And that this school, is the perfect, thriving place for my daughter to be. 

My second child entered a preschool program this Fall, and once again I felt a bit guilty, especially because He had a rough beginning. (We're still trying to get through the tears at drop-off and pick-up, y'all). But I know that this change will be good for my son and I as well. He will get the chance to socialize, be around other children his age, and learn from a teacher outside of the home. And I have to say, the teachers at his school are amazing! They're encouraging, uplifting, teaching them how to interact with others, teaching them about Jesus. And by loving my children, they're loving my heart as well.

Isn't that the beautiful part? When we let others love on our children, we feel the overflow as well. When I know my children are happy, and exactly in the place they need to be, my heart feels happy and at peace. And that is a marvelous thing! I truly believe that God knew that I needed this season. That He has some lesson for my heart in this coming year, with both kiddos in school. There will be definitely be some heart work going on. And so, I open my hands, and thank Him for this season of grace. This season of letting go, and letting others love my children. I thank Him for this wonderful school, where I felt good about leaving my kids each day. And, I pray about future years. Who knows, a few years down the road, the answer to homeschooling may be a resounding yes! But the lesson for my heart will still be the same. Sometimes it's good to let other people love my children. 

The Lifeguard

They sat as a group by the side of the pool, listening to the instructor. Before they jumped in the pool there were rules to follow, a list of directions to attend to. And then, they jumped. Not holding the instructor's hand, but free fall. Would there be a bottom? Would they be able to stand? Some where fearless when it came to this, others held back, one or two even needed a hand, especially on the first few days. But slowly they became confident with this first step, because... they knew they could stand. And so they jumped in, cool water in the hot morning sun, drenching them from the feet up. But standing in the water wasn't enough. Next, next they had to put their head under, once, twice, five times. Five times they had to put their head under, trusting that their breath would hold. Trusting that the life guard was watching them. 

You should have seen my daughter's face at this point. She glowed with happiness. She was so proud that she had dunked her head under water. It was just the beginning of learning how to swim, but she was proud of this first, substantial step. 

The first step is not being afraid. The first step is to just put your head under water. Some of us take forever to even make it this far. We don't trust our lungs. We're afraid of putting our head under, for even a second.  

But she did this.  

And then, the life guard asked for something more.

He had her lay on her back, extend her arms and legs, and float. To trust the buoyancy of her young body, to trust that, while he wasn't holding her, he was near by to catch her when she started to sink.  

To trust that he'd always be right there, each time a new task was placed in front of her. 

And then she was placing her feet against the wall, pushing out into the unknown. Swimming towards the lifeguard. Propelling her little arms and legs forward. 

Trusting. 

Extending. 

Growing. 

Reaching. 

My mommy heart was scared for her at times. I worried that the life guard would be distracted, that he wouldn't realize just how small she was. The other members of her class were head and shoulders above her. What was shallow to them was deep to her.  

But he always caught her just in time. Just in time his arms reached out and pulled her back in. 

She was never truly outside of his reach, even when she was flying through the water. Even when it seemed like she was all alone.  

Even when her future was unclear, she had to trust in what she knew. She knew that he had kept her from sinking before. She knew that he had always been there. She knew that he spoke honestly to her. So she pushed out from the wall, tried moving her arms and legs, and tried to see what would happen next. Sometimes she didn't get very far. She was still small, and weak. The life guard said it would take time, time to build up stamina, time to grow and continue to learn. But again and again she was in that water. For two weeks she showed up, practicing those skills. At the end of the lessons, she wasn't quite there yet. But the skills she had learned so far where so important. Trust, trust in her own ability to breathe. Trust that she could float in the water. Trust that the life guard would keep her from sinking while she learned. 

There are days when I feel so weak. I find myself, barely being able to move my arms, starting to sink. But I know, I know God has kept me until now. I know that His plans for me have been in place since the beginning. So, I stretch my fingers out, stick my belly up in the air, and try to float. I float through the waters of this life, sometimes smooth, sometimes rocky, trusting that God will protect me. He will protect me in new territory, in the unknowns. He will protect me, as I continue to let go of my children, and let experience God for themselves. He will protect me, as we face moves in our future, new places, new adventures. He will protect me on the easy, rolling days of motherhood, and on the days when I sense just how deep the water is. He will places His hand on my back when I start to sink, and hold me steadfast. 

He has always caught me. He is my refuge and strength (Psalm 94:18,19.22).

His plans are good and true (Jeremiah 29:11).

He loves me and has called me to a purpose (Romans 8:28).

I can't go anywhere that He hasn't already been (Psalm 139). 

He has written every day of my story, and that of my children (Psalm 139).

And so, I trust Him as we start on a new adventure. I trust Him, when He asks me to jump, free fall into the water, waiting for the bottom to come. I trust Him, when I lay on my back, ears muted by the water, face toward the sky, knowing that He is the Creator of all. He is my ultimate Life Guard. He is worthy of my trust and adoration. I trust in what I know.  

Just Mama

This summer, I said goodby to blogging. I said goodbye to brainstorming, researching, submitting propsals to magazines.  

Let's back track a bit. In January, the husband and I sat down and looked at my writing, my blog, and made a game plan for the year. I set aside time to write consistantly again, with the desire to get my heart out there, and share my story with others. It went well at first. My daughter was in Preschool a few times a week, so my writing time was squeezed in those few hours, while my youngest took his morning nap. Except... he didn't nap. There were may days that I couldn't get him down at all, or it would take so long to get him down that I wouldn't have any time left to write. My writing starting spilling over onto other parts of my life, afternoons, when my daughter was home from school, and wanted my attention, even weekends, while my husband and kids played.  

It just wasn't working. I was spending my days so frustrated at my kids, because they were keeping my from my calling. Keeping me from what I really wanted to be doing. What I feel God called me to do. What felt so good back in January, really wasn't working at all anymore.  

And so, my heart whispered, stop. Stop striving, stop trying to do something that obviously isn't working for your family in this season. JUST BE MAMA. 

Writing is such an important part of me. It makes me happy, it fills me up. But it can't interfere with my family. And so, I largly backed off of writing. I wrote occasionaly, but only when a true moment by myself arose.

And then summer came, with it's long sunny days, hours spent with chalk in the driveway, or with the sprinklers soaking us all from head to foot, camping, visits from family, and suddenly, I blinked, and school is starting up again. I find myself with time to write, and I'm scared. Scared about sharing my heart with the world again. Scared, because perfection often holds me back. Scared, but so blessed by the imperfect summer my kids and I shared together. A summer where being their Mama was my greatest privilage of all. My number one job. My tremendous calling. I'm scared, but also so excited to start sharing my writing with you all again, both here, and on other media platforms. 

Yes, I do believe we can have callings upon our lives. Areas where God has gifted us, things that seem so good, have such a lasting purpose, but I always want to make sure I assess those areas. If it's causing stress in my home life, then I know that answer is "not yet". Not necessarily a "no." But more of a reassessment, a time of waiting. Someday, my children will be grown, out of our house, possibly living far away, and I'll have all the time I want to write. But for right now, they're small, and I want to honor that. Honor and cherish the fact that God has given them to me to raise. That I'm so much more than "Just Mama" to them. I'm their constancy, the person they wake up to each day, the person who keeps them organized, keeps them fed, keeps them safe, reminds them how loved they are, teaches them the things of God. 

Sometimes I struggle with that calling, feeling like being "Mama" isn't enough. I want to reach a wider audience, have more of an influence. But it's my immense job to raise up these two little humans. That is such a substaintial job. Just think of what God may be calling them to do someday! I could see my two spirited children doing some pretty amazing things! But into order to do that, Jesus needs to be shared to them right now, in these formitive, molding years. What a daunting task! And what an intense privilage!  

And so, all this to say, I'm back! Back on my beloved blog, and back to freelance writing again! But with a new perspective. Deployed Heart will once be here as a place of encouragement, of building up, of telling woman out there that they are not alone in this military life. It will be a place of devotionals, wholesome book reviews, and perhaps even some short stories! I'm so excited about what's to come!

Birthdays Past

As we walked down the sidewalk, breathing in the sunshine, soaking up the array of flowers, listening to the chatter of my daughter beside me, my heart was filled with all the memories of past years, past birthdays. Precious moments.

My mother, crawling in bed with me, whispering happy birthday as I slowly woke up. Year after year. Now, I still anticipate her phone call to be the first birthday wish of my day. Because who would remember more than she? She who carried me and birthed me and raised me. 

At 9, hair ribbons in my ponytail, ecstatic over my first American Girl Doll.

At 16, when my mom surprised me with a slumber party with all my youth group friends. A counter filled with food, rented movies to be watched, giddy late night talks and silliness to be ensued. 

At 21, when my best friend and I shared the same birthday, and our friends sent us on a scavenger hunt around campus, decked out in old prom dresses, hunting through the woods, being serenaded by a guy on a bench, ending up blindfolded in a car, until we arrived a fancy Italian restaurant. A circle table filled with laughing, girls, giddy with life, independence, the joys of friendship.

At 26, a newlywed, spending my first birthday far, far away from home. Buying my first sewing machine, and a few herbs to plant outside our front door. Having a meal cooked by my husband, creating new traditions together. 

And now 32, enjoying a quiet birthday, still fully mommy, with all the responsibilities, but filled with joy. Joy, because I was blessed to experience that day, even if there was sibling bickering diapers, and dirty dishes to do. Blessed, because God has given me so much. So many joyful memories, and so many more to come. Blessed, because I can see His hand at each moment. Blessed for the loved ones who have passed through my life.

The memories, the ghosts of the past, have left their beautiful imprint on my life now. And so, for awhile, I let them stay, I let my mind dream of past birthdays, and I thanked the Lord for today. Because one day, these moments, will be a memory, and oh how I want to make the most of today. 

On Slowing the Pace

I was so frustrated. I found myself getting grumpy, frustrated with my children, angry at myself. I had it all planned out, a neat schedule, deadlines, goals. I felt ready. Ready to balance my life with little ones and my ambitions. But then, my son's nap times got irregular, my times of work became even more unpredictable, I found myself making up the time in other random parts of the day, times during the day when I had both my kiddos begging for my attention. My planning self became annoyed, my introvert self became frustrated, "why can't they play alone?" "Why do they constantly want my attention?" "Why isn't this working out?"

I was getting frustrated, and angry. 

And so I realized it was time to step back.

Time to let go of some ambitions, some dreams, at least for a few months.

Time to let go and simply enjoy summer with my children.

Time to give those dreams back to God, and wait for Him to give the go-ahead.

It was hard to do. Hard, when I felt so "called" from Him to do this. Hard, when my dreams and passions seem like such a good thing. Hard, when the calling beats within my heart.

Hard, to not finish checking off the boxes, but to keep them open for now.

Hard, because I see others who seem to balance it all, but I can't.

But maybe it's less about what I can or can't do at this point, and more about surrender.

Surrender, letting go. Admitting that I was getting too grumpy and frustrated. Admitting, that I was losing track of the bigger picture. Admitting that my heart needs time to breathe this summer.

Yes, I'll still be writing this summer. I'll still be dreaming and plotting and game-planning for this Fall. But it will only be when the rare moment arises (like right now, when my little guy is actually napping!). And who knows, this summer break may be exactly what I need. This summer will be a time to read more, to journal more, and to definitely pray about directions God may want to take the calling upon my heart.

Have you ever been there? Have you ever had a true calling upon your heart, but realized that it's just the wrong season to realize that calling? That's definitely the place I'm at right now. I'd love to hear your thoughts. 

2015 Bookshelf: The Blythes Are Quoted

I'm so excited to share my next read for Modern Mrs. Darcy's 2015 Reading Challenge. I've now finished 10 out of 12! Only two more to go. Check out the books I've read, and some of my ideas for the last few on my Pinterest board. 

A Book By A Favorite Author:

L.M. Montgomery has long been a favorite  of mine. The Anne of Green Gables series is precious to me, an old friend that I've read over and over again. So when I stumbled across this book I'd never read before, I had to give it a go. 

This book was submitted to publishers shortly before L.M. Montgomery's death in 1942. Parts of it were published posthumously as The Road to Yesterday in 1974, but with some of the stories edited and the dialog between Anne and her family between stories removed. Why? Critics really aren't sure, but they do think it might have something to do with these stories being so much darker than others by L.M. Montgomery. Her outlook on WWII was depressing. To someone who lived through the Great War, the thought of another was disheartening. And so, edits were made, nearly a hundred pages were cut out, and readers didn't get the full picture of what L.M. Montgomery was writing (see Afterword by Benjamin Lefabvre, p.511)

Personally, I loved her short stories and poems in this volume. The short stories give a peak into life on Prince Edward Island, while the Blythe family is growing up. Sometimes you get the smallest peak into how Anne's family is doing, but for the most part, it is the stories of their neighbors and friends. Some of the stories are dark and mysterious, others joyous, some, almost supernatural! 

My favorite stories from the collection:

Some Fools and a Saint- definitely keeps you guessing!

Fancy's Fool: the supernatural element makes you wonder, just how much of it was a dream?

The Pot and the Kettle: Surprisingly sweet ending

One last word: Don't read this volume thinking that you're getting another story about Anne. It's really not about her. But do read it if you love L.M. Montgomery's short stories. There are definitely a few in this collection that you'll read over  and over again!

2015 Bookshelf: Great Expectations

I just checked off the next book on my 2015 Reading Challenge List (from Modern Mrs. Darcy)! You can view my list of books here. 

A book I should have read High School: 

For ages, I've wanted to read a Dickens novel. Back in High School, I tried to delve in, even during my college years I attempted one or another, but I could never get into it. I was convinced that Dickens just wasn't my cup of tea.

I was so wrong.

Great Expectations had it all, a compelling narrative, fascinating characters, gothic themes, and suspense!

Sometimes the dialog and wording was a bit confusing, but I loved sinking deep into a book, one that required me to think, grow conclusions, piece together themes throughout. I felt like I was back in grad school again, ha! Every once in awhile, I love a novel that demands critical thinking. This one surely delivered.

My favorite part? I loved the characterizations. So many fascinating characters in this novel! One of my favorites was Miss Havisham. This lady was straight out of a gothic novel! Stuck in times past, dwelling upon a wedding that never happened, infested, bemoaning, begrudging, more a ghost than a woman. She's a spectacular character!

Pip describes his first meeting with Miss Havisham as thus:

“I saw that everything within my view which ought to be white, had been white long ago, and had lost its lustre, and was faded and yellow. I saw that the bride within the bridal dress had withered like the dress, and like the flowers, and had no brightness left but the brightness of her sunken eyes. I saw that the dress had been put upon the rounded figure of a young woman, and that the figure upon which it now hung loose, had shrunk to skin and bone.”

— p.91-92

She sits in her house, day after day, one wedding shoe on and the other off, stopped at a moment in time that never progressed forward (p.91). Pip views her as a living skeleton, someone who is, truly, no longer living (92). She sits smoldering with resentment and hatred over the man who jilted her. She never sees the light of day and refuses to acknowledge that time has progressed. Even her wedding cake has been left out on a table, to rot away in a most disgusting way:

“The most prominent object was a long table with a tablecloth spread on it, as if a feast had been in preparation when the house and the clocks stopped all together. An epergne or centre-piece of some kind was in the middle of this cloth; it was so heavily overhung with cobwebs that its form was quite undisinguishable; and, as I looked along the yellow expanse out of which I remember its seeming to grow, like a black fungus, I saw speckled-legged spiders with blotchy bodies running home to it, and running out from it, as if some circumstance of of the greatest public importance had just transpired in the spider community”

— p.117

Miss Havisham's spitefulness over being jilted is shown through the way she refuses to move on, move past the experience. Instead, she fumes, insisting that her life was ruined at that moment. And so, the clocks stand still in her household, the cake rots, she never puts on her other wedding shoe. Perhaps the worst result of her hatred is seen in her treatment of Estella. Estella is a young ward who is placed in Miss Havisham's house. Miss Havisham molds this young child, teaching her to hate from an early age, enforcing a heart of stone upon her. It is only near the end that she realizes just what an error she made, in raising up Estella so.

It is only near the end of her life that Miss Havisham recognizes the mistake she'd made (p.443). Although Pip feels sorry for her, he can't help but acknowledge just how selfish she had been:

“I knew not how to answer, or how to comfort her. That she had done a grievous thing in taking an impressionable child to mould into the form that her wild resentment, spurned affection, and wounded pride, found vengeance in, I knew full well. But that, in shutting out the light of day, she had shut out infinitely more; that, in seclusion, she had secluded herself from a thousand natural and healing influences; that, her mind, brooding solitary, had grown diseased, as all minds do and must and will that reverse the appointed order of their Maker; I knew equally well.”

— p.444

Miss Havisham had shut out the world, long before her time. Instead of living out her purpose, of inviting people into her life and living, she lived as if she was already dead. And that, Pip recognizes, what a grave mistake. Pip has his own lessons to learn in Great Expectations as well. But I think Miss Havisham's sad story teaches him something as well. People can have a great influence over others, they must use it wisely. And people are not meant to live alone. They need their loved ones to go through life with, through the easy and hard times, supporting one another, teaching each other to love and forgive. Miss Havisham missed out on life, because sat and fumed with resentment. She sewed hatred, instead of love. Perhaps a bit of a lesson for us all?

Planted

Today I feel drained.

My heart, feels so close to shattering.

I'm not sure I can handle it.

But then again, I'm not supposed to. 

Not on my own.

Lord, please work through the situations that I cannot. Give me the words, or the silence, when it's needed.

I'm not used to this.

This soil, feels so dry.

These roots, dislike transplanting so much.

To stretch

To grow.

Oh Lord, how painful it is!

My heart, it aches for simpler times.

Weak.

Unsure.

Doubtful.

But then, 

I remember.

That you are my strength when I am weak.

The soil, has to be dug up.

Transplanting may occur.

So that all can see the light.

But oh the process of getting there.

Right now, I can hardly breathe.

I'm stuck in the midst of the middle season.

The season of growth.

The season of trust.

Trust in the gardener, and His ever present hand.

Trust that He sees the Master plan, the way this garden will come together in the end.

Trust that He understands the process, when I cannont.

Trust on the days when transplanting just plain hurts.

When this life is anything but easy.

When I can't see the bigger picture.

When I know that growth is painful.

Being faced with my own shortcomings is painful.

Not knowing is painful.

But trusting.

Trusting in His masterplan.

Trusting that He has planted me here for good reasons.

“He is like a tree planted beside streams of water that bears its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.”

— Psalm 1:3, HCSB

The Power of Food

Chicken Curry, one of our favorite recipes from It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways by Dallas and Melissa Hartwig.

My husband and I have been taking the Whole 30 challenge this month. Thirty days without sugar, grains, legumes, and dairy, a little crazy, yes? I thought so too, but I was intrigued, and wanted to give it a chance. I can hardly believe that we're now down to the last week. We've almost made it!  Here are some of my findings so far:

I love fresh vegetables and fruit! And I sorely underestimate the amount the four of us will eat at a meal (especially if I want leftovers for lunch the next day!). Also, meat and vegetables are tremendously filling! They leave me full, and settle well with me.

I still need a snack, largely because our days start early around here. But, with so many things off the table, I find my snacks are healthy, fruit and veggies, things that will only give me more energy.

It’s not all that hard to say no. I’ve been presented with several opportunities to cheat. In that past, I would have said that “ I had no choice.” Who can stare brownies in the face and say no? Definitely not me. Plus, I worry about being impolite if I do say no. Now, I’ve found, that it’s really not that bad. I really do have more control over myself then I thought I did. Food, does not have such a crazy hold on me.

It's not impossible to travel and eat healthy. I was kind of nervous about doing Whole 30 during our Spring Break trip, but we succeeded! We packed coolers with plenty of food to eat, had our lunches pre-planned, and researched the menu of a local restaurant at our destination. We knew, before entering the restaurant, what exactly we could eat there, and left feeling satisfied, without cheating. Honestly, it was hard being on a family vacation and having to plan so much, but it was doable. We made sure our hotel room had a little kitchenette, so that we could cook some meals while we were there as well. This definitely helped a ton! And I found myself loving our picnic lunches with the kids each day. It was such a great way to spend time together! (Picnic lunches on vacations are definitely a trend I plan to keep after Whole 30!). 

Do I feel incredibly different? Not really. Sadly, this eating plan hasn’t really helped my headaches. They’re still there, but, we can count out a lot of food groups as the culprits now, which I guess is helpful? I'm also not sure I have loads more energy,  but I do have two little kids who honestly wear me out each day. My amount of energy largely depends on them, how well they sleep at night, and if they have a good rest time during the day. Just the same, I feel good about myself, and the food choices I'm making this month.
 

After Whole 30? We’ve talked about still trying to eat pretty healthy. Still filling up our plates with protein, fruit and veggies. Yes, grains will find their way back into our lives, but I’d like them to take a smaller role in the meal, at least most days.

Hardest part? Planning 3 meals, 7 days a week. It’s been good for me to get back into having a meal plan, to have options. For several years now, we’ve basically ate out on the weekends, or had leftovers at home. I would like to try harder after Whole 30 to plan through the weekend as well.

Missing? I definitely miss our homemade popcorn on Sunday nights (we usually have a movie night with the kids!). Although we’ve been creative this month, making baked sweet potato fries each movie night. I’m sure we’ll go back to popcorn, but we may have the homemade fries as well.

Also missing? The ability to order pizza if I’m truly exhausted... and wine. I like the occasional glass of wine with the hubby :)

And I know the hubby is missing legumes, we love our lentils and peas :)

We had gotten pretty slack, eating out too much, and not having fruits and veggies at every meal. This has been a great way to get us back on track, make us think about what we’re putting into our system everyday, and look toward the future. And in a lot of ways, it’s empowered me.

We always have a choice.

We’re not trapped.

Food should be enjoyable. It should be favorable. It should be fun. Those are things I want to teach my children. I also want to teach them that there’s always a choice. We don’t always have to indulge.

In some ways, I think when you indulge too much, the moments that you do splurge are less enjoyable. You haven’t been anticipating it. It’s not that best thing ever. But when you save up, when you ask yourself “is this truly worth it? Is this the best cake recipe ever?” then you can truly enjoy it for what it is, a treat. Then you can enjoy food. Enjoy life. Feel good about yourself, and the way you’re raising your loved ones.

Whole 30 has been a great way to experiment with this.

But, I’m getting ahead of myself. We still have 7 days left.

Here goes the last week!

Let those Flowers Grow

I transplanted a bunch of Iris bulbs early this Spring. They were packed in the ground, two, sometimes even three bulbs deep. They were beautiful last year, but just wait until they bloom now! Now that they have space. Now that they can all sink their roots deeply into the soil and breathe. Yes, they'll be pretty this Spring, but it will be next year when they're in their glory. Next Spring, my yard will be filled with purple, at least as long as the blooms hold. 

It's hard thinking that i may not see my bulbs bloom next year. That this could, very well, be our last Spring in this town. The military is like that. Families are always picking up and moving on. I'm aware of this. I already have a few PSC's under my belt. Just the same, I love this place, this town, our church, our daughter's school. It's precious to me because of the memories we've created here, the relationships we've invested in. To think that I may not see my flowers bloom next Spring hurts my heart. 

For the longest time, I didn't plant much, didn't spend much time with my hands sunk in the dirt, sun shining on my head. I didn't garden, because why would I? Why would I when someone else may see the fruit? Yes, I did keep some potted plants, because pots can easily be moved. But plant things in the dirt? No, I wouldn't invest that energy into it. But this year. This year feels different. This year I long for the feeling of dirt between my fingers. I look forward to watching my bulbs bloom. I tend and care for them because it's therapeutic to me, it brings me joy.

This place, this humble home we live in, may not always be ours, but it's ours for this season. For this season, it's where we eat, where we sleep, where our children laugh and learn and grow. And I want to take pride in my home, inside and out. I want to make those most of an imperfect space, furniture that never quite fits and that's covered in stains from "helpful" toddlers," cube shelves that worked wonderfully in our last house, but fit awkwardly here, odd shaped rooms, growing children that need more space, odd places for my office computer. This is all part of what makes up our home, for today.  And so, I plan to live in it. I'll organize it the best I can, live with the imperfections, and plant flowers that will bloom. Why? Because they speak to my soul. They make me happy. They bring joy. Joy to me. And joy to those who may live in this home after us. 

This is the day that the Lord has made. I WILL rejoice and be glad in it. 

My encouragement to you today? Let those flowers grow, even if you may not see the results. Invest in what you have right before you right now. Seek beauty and life. Live completely in today, in the beautiful life God has given you. Let Him take care of tomorrow. 

2015 Bookshelf

I have now finished 8 of the 12 categories on Modern Mrs. Darcy's 2015 Book Challenge. I'm really having fun with this! It's a great way to prioritize, and read a bunch of books I've been wanting to read anyway! This challenge has also encouraged me to start using my local library a lot more. I got out of practice, with little ones at home, so it's been fun frequenting our local library on a weekly basis. If you'd like to see my reading list, visit my Pinterest board here.

A Book My Mom Loves: Mr. Churchill's Secretary by Susan Elia MacNeal

I have to admit, I'm hooked on this series. It's fiction, but I love how much history is woven right into the story.  This is book 1 in the Maggie Hope series. Maggie is Prime Minister Winston Churchill's newest typist. While working in his office, she's quickly pulled into a mystery, one she must help resolve with her code-breaking skills, before it's too late.  Maggie is such a smart, independent character, but you still feel her frustrations as a single woman during WWII. She wants to be taken seriously, but that's not always easy. The mystery may be slightly farfetched, but it was enjoyable, and kept me reading until the last page!

Downside: Some swearing, references to Maggie's best friend being gay,  and some inferred intimate scenes between characters.  I honestly don't see the point of these things. The story would be perfectly find without it. 

Recommended For: someone who loves historical fiction, and a good mystery. Even with the drawbacks, I couldn't wait to see what happened next in Maggie's story. I've already read book two (Princess Elizabeth's Spy)!

A Book In A Genre I Wouldn't Typically Read:  Starship Troopers by Robert A. Heinlein.
 

I have to admit, this book was quite the departure for me. When I looked at this category, I quickly turned to my husband for help. He's a sci-fi guy, so I knew he could recommend something good for me. Overall, I wasn't disappointed. I was fascinated by the world Heinlein created in this novel. Published in 1959, it gives a futuristic look at what life will look like, if we all inhabit outer space someday. There's a lot of social commentary, which I often found dry and longwinded, but I loved all of the descriptions of the starship and the troopers uniforms. I also enjoyed the actual missions Johnnie Rico went on. There's much that can be applied, even to our society today. It's fascinating to think that Heinlein's futuristic world was probably taking place in the 21st century. We definitely don't have some of the technology he dreamed we'd have by now, which makes the book even more intriguing. 

Recommend For:  anyone who is interested into an late 1950s look at sci-fi. Or for anyone with a sci-fi fanatic spouse :) It's definitely a good conversation starter type book.

A Book Published This Year: Where Trust Lies by Janette Oke and Laurel Oke Logan

I have been an avid Janette Oke fan since I started reading her books in Junior High (more than 15 years ago, what?). I also have to admit to being a Heartie (Hallmark's When Calls the Heart).  The Hallmark television series was a big hit when the first season aired last year! It takes a large departure from Janette Oke's original series by the same name, so Oke, along with her daughter Oke-Logan, chose to write a companion series to follow along. These books follows Beth, the niece of Elizabeth in the original book series. When Courage Calls was the first book. Where Trust Lies picks up where the first book ended. Beth travels back home from her teaching post in Coal Valley to visit with her family for the summer. While home, the women in Beth's family surprise her with a cruise. Most of the story, along with the mystery, take place on the cruise ship. 

I have to say I loved the mystery aspect of this story. It was definitely different from past stories I've read by Oke. I also love that it's a companion to the Hallmark show, although Oke & Logan  take  creative liberties with the story (it doesn't necessarily follow the plot of the Hallmark show). 

I also enjoyed the look into propriety, honoring your father and mother, and the general etiquette of the time-period. Beth's younger sister, Julie, definitely pushes the boundaries on this. 

Downside: It doesn't quite feel like Oke's books of old. The writing style is definitely different now that she's older and her daughter is writing along side her. I can't explain the difference exactly, but it's definitely there. I'm just not quite as in love with this book as I have been with past ones. Maybe it was the setting change? I'd rather see Beth at her teaching post, then on a fancy cruise boat. Even with the downsides, I will definitely still be reading the next book in the series. 

Recommended For: someone who wants a nice, Christian, wholesome book to read.  

A Book I've Been Meaning to Read: Where'd You Go, Bernadette by Maria Semple

This book has been on all kinds of "must read lists" since it was published 2 years ago. Overall, I found it to be quirky, interesting, and a bit mysterious. I also loved the format, a mixture of letters, emails, memos, and the like. It definitely makes for a light-hearted read. 

Downside: Some swearing and sexual language. 

Overall: It's mixed for me. Once again, there's a little bit of content that makes me give a cautionary review :/ Just the same, it was a really quick read for me. Nice and easy, compared to some other books I have on my bedside table!

Recommend For: someone with the travel bug who wants a different, light-hearted, easy to read book. 

A Reminder from Joshua

“But in spite of this you did not trust the Lord your God, who went before you on the journey to seek out a place for you to camp. He went in the fire by night and in the cloud by day to guide you on the road you were to travel.”

— Deuteronomy 1:32-33, HCSB

“For the Lord your God has blessed you in all the work of your hands. He has watched over your journey through this immense wilderness. The Lord your God has been with you this past 40 years, and you have lacked nothing.’”

— Deuteronomy 2:7, HCSB

“ Don’t be afraid of them, for the Lord your God fights for you.”

— Deuteronomy 3:22, HCSB

The Lord was before the Israelites, by day and by night. A pillar by day and a fire by night. They saw His miraculous signs and wonders, His protection of them, time and again, yet still they didn't trust Him. Still they feared what they saw with their eyes. They looked at their circumstances, and withered, backing off. How could they ever face such giants? 

Time and again, Joshua is reminded to be strong and courageous, for The Lord fights for them.

That's such a great reminder to us as well. 

Be strong and courageous.  

Those giants, they are nothing compared to the power of our Almighty God. 

Hallelujah.  

That's the truth I stand upon today. 

He has overcome. 

His is able to handle the giants of my life today. 

He doesn't want me to live in defeat, in doubt, in wondering about my own self-worth. 

Not when He has already overcome. 

I could spend my life wandering around a wilderness. And, honestly, there are times that this life feels like a wilderness. 

Parched. Destitute. Seemingly-without Hope. 

But then God arrives. 

The Breathe of life. 

My manna in the wilderness. 

My provider. 

My sustainer. 

And He reminds me, much like Joshua, to be strong and  courageous.  

To not fear. 

For The Lord God goes with me wherever I go. 

“Where can I go to escape Your Spirit?
Where can I flee from Your presence?
If I go up to heaven, You are there;
if I make my bed in Sheol, You are there.
If I live at the eastern horizon
or settle at the western limits,
even there Your hand will lead me;
Your right hand will hold on to me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me,
and the light around me will be night”—
even the darkness is not dark to You.
The night shines like the day;
darkness and light are alike to You.”

— Psalm 139: 7-12, HCSB

A Woman Who Loved

She loved.

Not with an everyday lovey-dovey sort of love, but with agape. A love that keeps no record of wrong. A love that hopes. A love that never fails.

I’m still trying to figure out that sort of love.

My own love is imperfect. People aren’t always trustworthy. Those I love don’t always follow through. They make mistakes. Un-friend me. And my, how I can hold grudges against them. I think back to times of my life, moments from my childhood, and I can once again feel mad about it. Betrayal. Hurt. Unforgiveness. On my own, I feel all of these things.

But she lived a life different than that.

She who by earthly standards could have held far more grudges than I.

She who watched her father, her sister, her brother, her nephew, and so many others die from mistreatment.

She who experienced hunger and pain, verbal and physical abuse.

She chose to forgive.

And her story influenced my own spiritual legacy.

Want to read more?  March is "Honoring Women" month over at The Mudroom. Hop on over there today, and find out more about this amazing woman. She's definitely someone with a Legacy of Love. 

2015 Bookshelf: All The Light We Cannot See

I finished this book at the end of January. For days I was buried in the world of France/Germany during WWII. It was entirely  fascinating. I've never read a story, both from the French point of view and from the German. The novel revolved around two characters. Maire-Laure is a blind teenager who grew up in Paris, but is now sequestered in Saint-Malo during the bombings. Werner is a German teenager who was picked up by the Hitler-Youth. Through flashbacks, we watch both characters grow older, until their paths collide in Saint-Malo, during the flattening bombings of the city in 1944.  

The writing style is epic, eloquent, enticing all the senses. The war through the eyes of a blind girl is fascinating, both full of color and absent of color. Though she can't see, she visualizes so much in her brain. 

Werner is faced with many decisions from an early age. Decisions that take him down a dark path. Watching him go through training was fascinating for me as a reader. There are many things about the Hitler youth that I really knew nothing about. And honestly, I felt sorry for Werner. That, also, is the sign of a very talented writer. One who can make you feel sorry for even a Nazi! So much of his life was forced, even brainwashed from an early age. He was an orphan, with no prospects and a deep love of science and learning. That was largely what brought him to this place. But even he will have to make some deicisons along the way. Decisions about following his leaders, or follow what he knows to be right. 

Mare-Laure will also have to make some decisions. Decisions on who she will help, and how she will react to this war and everything happening because of it. She will face some terrifying moments, moments that will forever change her. 

Warnings: This story is about a war, so there are definitely some scenes that are hard to stomach.   Werner watches his comrades get horribly mistreated during their training days, and sees firsthand the brutality of his "cause" when they go into houses and kill everyone in sight, before asking any questions. These scenes are hard to read, but definitely show the reality of war.  The story focuses a lot on the innocence of Maire-Laure and Werner, so there is little profanity or sexual language. At one point, Werner does have some co-workers that are horribly crass in their speech. Also, some German girls are horribly mistreated by some men near the end of the story (which shows that the brutality was not limited to the Nazis). 

Favorite Quotes: Light and music both play such integral roles in the novel. They are almost characters that stand on their own. I'd love to share just a few of my favorite quotes with you. These quotes may giveaway some plot lines in the story, so spoiler alert! But they're so beautiful, I wanted to share: 

Although Maire-Laure's world is completely dark, at the beginning of the novel she sees all the world around her in vibrant colors. This changes as the novel progresses, WWII becomes a harsh reality to the French, and Maire-Laure loses much of what she loved. Still, there are moments of beauty, such as the moment she danced with her great-uncle: 

“He spins her; her fingers flicker through the air. In the candlelight, she looks of another world, her face all freckles, and in the center of the freckles those tow eyes hang unmoving like the egg cases of spiders. They do not track him, but they do not unnerve him, either; they seem almost to see into a separate, deeper place, a world that consists only of music.
”

— p.332-333

Life is very hard and confusing for Maire-Laure. Where once her world was full of color and music, now, it's mostly gray. Gray, expect for her Great-Uncle Etienne, and his desire to share the truth, even though owning a radio is against the law. His contraband radio is used to broadcast news, and to share an occasional beautiful song as encouragement to other Allies:

“Now her world has turned gray. Gray faces and gray quiet and a gray nervous terror hanging over the queue at the bakery and the only color in the world briefly kindled when Etienne climbs the stairs to the attic, knees cracking, to read one more string of numbers into the ether, to send another of Madame Ruelle’s messages, to play a song. That little attic bursting with magenta and aquamarine and gold for five minutes, and then the radio switches off, and the gray rushes back in, and her uncle stumps back down the steps.”

— p.353

Werner fights between a life lived in the mines, deep in the dark, without light, and a life above the surface, serving in the Nazi Regime. By picking the Nazi life, he believes he's making the right decision. A life filled with science and radios and music and everything he loves. But, near the end of the novel, He comes to a different decision. After nearly being buried alive, he comes to the surface, and walks out onto the streets of Saint-Malo. 

“What light shines at night! He never knew. Day will blind him”

— p.460

Perhaps he's finally seeing light for what it actually is. The Nazi's gave him a sense of hope, of purpose, but true light might be an entirely different thing. After coming out into the open, Werner is experiencing light for the first time in a long time. 

Werner and Marie-Laure have to ultimately both make some decisions about what  "light" is.  After finding Marie-Laure, Werner troubles over some thoughts. It's poetic, and heartbreaking:

“Could he, by some miracle, keep this going? Could they hide here until the war ends? Until the armies finish marching back and forth above their heads, until all the have to do is push open the door and shift some stones aside and the house has become a ruin beside the sea? Until he can hold her fingers in his palms and lead her out into the sunshine? He would walk anywhere to make it happen, bear anything; in a year or three or ten, France and Germany would not mean what they meant now; they could leave the house and walk to a tourists’ restaurant and order a simple meal together and eat it in silence, the comfortable kind of silence lovers are supposed to share”

— p.473

Werner debates living in hiding, in darkness with a blind girl who understands more about "light" than he really does. The ultimate decision is something you will have to read about for yourself. But I do hope you pick up this book and read some different perspectives of WWII. By the end of this novel, I was sad to see it go. The characters were so real to me, that I had to remind myself that they were truly only fiction, they didn't exist. It was a powerful story and a great look at history through two unlikely characters. 

Tantrum Days

Would anyone like a spot of tea?

"Would anyone like a spot of tea?"

Friends, can I tell you a secret? Being a mother has been one of the most exhilarating, joy-filled experiences of my life... but also the most heart wrenching, confusing, frustrating things as well. God definitely continues to teach me some lessons along the way, lessons on who I look to for strength when life is at its hardest. 

 I'm pouring my heart out this morning over at The Mudroom Blog. I wish I could sit with each of you personally, but this is second best. So, would pour yourself a cup of tea, and come join me? Just follow this link: http://mudroomblog.com/tantrum-days/

A Giveaway Addiction, and other such confessions

Confession:

I'm really good at using technology.

I have a knack for surfing through social media while doing other things at the same time. I'm also really good at winning giveaways. Why sure I'll "like" all 50 shops on 3 different social media websites and share this giveaway with all my friends.

Please, can I pause now to say that there truly is nothing wrong with entering giveaways. It can be a lot of fun! I've even found some of my favorite bloggers through such giveaways, people I'm still reading years later. In the same token, social media can be such a blessing. Living so far away from family and friends, I count on social media to stay in touch, pray, and encourage loved ones who live far away. As I look at my list of friends, I'm often so amazed at how far stretched my connections are, God has definitely blessed me with some amazing people in my life. I adore social media for that. In fact, I've even made some new, precious friends through social media. 

But, there's a problem too. It becomes an addiction like anything else. As for me, I've become way too addicted to entering giveaways. And lately, I've been convicted of this. I've won a few giveaways that I really didn't want to win. I've received a prize (and have another on it's way) that I really don't desire to own. Why did I enter that giveaway for the gigantic, platinum silver purse, which is absolutely not my style? Why, oh why?

And please, that last thing I want to do with this post is hurt someones feelings. I'm just being honest about my own struggles. I'm human, friends, and sometimes I think I depend on social media, on being recognized, on being good at something, too much.

Having little ones at home is hard, draining work. And it's lonely. Lonely moving every few years and leaving our friends behind. Lonely being in different cities, around different people, and working on forming new connections, new friendships. Lonely, simply in the sense that I'm a full-time, stay at home mom. And so, without realizing it, social media takes too big of a place in my life. Giveaways, in particular, seep in and become way too important.

The honor, the recognition, the sense of being known takes precedent over being known as a daughter of the King. Social media seeps in and takes a place it doesn't deserve. And I hardly realized it was happening. It's a subtle thing. It seeps in, even when I am reading my Bible every day and singing worship tunes throughout the day. It seeps in and doesn't seem "bad," really, compared to other things in life. But it's there. 

In my own life as a mommy I often feel like I fail. I yell too much at my kids, I'm impatient, my house is far from immaculate. I fail at juggling the routine of each day. But I know I'm good at winning giveaways, good at surfing social media, so I turn to that for affirmation. I turn to that, when it's the last thing I should do. I turn to that, while I feel so insufficient in my own life. And then, I recognize the place social media has taken, an I feel like I've failed in that area as well. I look at these prizes I've won, and feel defeated. Downcast. Ashamed. 

But isn't that exactly as it should be?

We recognize our failures, the ways we don't measure up, so that we can turn to Jesus and admit that we make a mess of it on our own. We admit that we don't have it all together. Our priorities are out of wack. We've taken things out of proportion. Become too distracted. We're spending too much time on things that don't matter (such as social media). So that...

So that we can turn our palms up and give it all to Him.

Him, who reminds us that we are weak in this world so that He can be strong.

“But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me.”

— 2 Corinthians 12:9, HCSB

Him, who reminds us that His word should be what we desire most in this life. 

“How sweet Your word is to my taste—
sweeter than honey in my mouth.”

— Psalm 119:103, HCSB

He, who reminds us that we should desire Him, more than any other thing. 

“Who do I have in heaven but You? And I desire nothing on earth but You. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever.”

— Psalm 73: 25-26, HCSB

Yes, isn't that beautiful! I may fail, I may often feel defeated, recogizing all that I've done wrong. But God has more for me than feelings of failure and dejection. Of letting my own brain tell me all the ways I don't measure up. No, He gives us those moments of unsufficiency so that we'll learn to lean all the more on Him. He gives us those moments, moments when we recognize just how human we are, so that we depend on Him all the more. He gives us those moments so that we can find freedom from Him. Freedom from addiction. Freedom from pain. Freedom, because He is more than willing to carry our burdens. He is more than willing to be our strength and our protion. Our protion, friends. We don't have to turn to social media, or giveaways, or whatever our temptions may be to find fulffillment, to find release, or recognition. He is already all we need. He is our protion, His words are sweeter than honey, more costly than gold. 

And when we do depend on Him more than any earthly thing, He promises us this:

“You will keep the mind that is dependent on You in perfect peace, for it is trusting in You.”

— Isaiah 26:3, HCSB

Perfect peace. No room for beating myself up with the ways I don't measure up. No room for walking around in worry, or defeat. No, there's no room for those things when perfect peace invades. How joyous I feel, writing these final words. Because I know where my heart lies. He is my strength today and everyday. I truly don't need anything beside Him. And so, I'm leaving to go on with the rest of my day, take care of my house, my family, and sift through unneeded shops on social media, things that are just distracting me too much from what really matters. Because He is my portion.

Thank you for hearing my confession today, friends. I hope it helped and encouraged you!

Frozen Four

She's been singing the songs for months now. Or has it almost been a year?  "Let it Go" solos are a certainty in our world. She swooshes her hands through the year, towel for a cape, funny hat with a blond braid hanging behind her, Elsa doll in hand.
 "Mama, one more time, sing your part." I'm Anna to her Elsa. The one who searches. The one who eventually saves the day with her act of true love.  

She's even told other kids at school that her name is Elsa. 

She loves her world of pretend so much. 

I told her I'll be Anna, as long as Papa can be my Kristoff.  

And so we pretend. Day after day. Each night, I tell her a story about Elsa and Anna. Sometimes straight from the movie, sometimes completely made up. 

There's just something about that story that captivates her. Something that speaks to her four year old heart. 

Little kids are fascinating like that. 

They live in such a beautiful world of make-believe. 

The stories, the songs, they create, and they never really seem to tire of it.

How the fascination can go on week after week, I'm really not sure.  

Why they don't get tired of it, like we do as adults, I'm not sure.

Perhaps there's something about that world of make believe that speaks to their hearts. Perhaps it's a wonderous way that God encourages their little minds to grow, expand, dream a hundred thousand dreams.  

I do know that four is a wonderous time of growth for a child. They're learning letters, numbers, colors, and how to use their imaginations. 

And their learning the wonderous gift of story. 

Oh how I hope my girl always has a love of story, of dream, of imagination. 

Who knows where such an imagination will take her someday. 

But for right now, she's four, and I love her silly ways.  

I know that one day soon, I'll look around, and realize she's not pretending to be Elsa anymore. 

And my heart will hurt a little bit. 

Over the years she's been fascinated with different books, different toys, or even done silly things in public that only little ones would do. A few weeks ago we were standing in the middle of a store, watching a televison where Frozen was playing. When her special song came on, she belted out the lyrics for all to hear.

Unabashed. 

Unashamed. 

Unembarassed. 

And I loved it. I loved being Mama to this girl. 

Because for every terribly hard moment, there are cherished ones as well. For every day that feels like it will never end, for the moments when my introvert bubble feels like it will explode from lack of personal space, from lack of "me time", there are a million precious moments. Moment when I'm reminded that children are amazing, a blessing, and I wouldn't change this "boring" life of mine for anything. They're mind in all their craziness, all their silliness, all their good and bad moments.  

This little world of make believe that young children live in will pass soon enough. For right now, I choose to celebrate it. Celebrate their fascination with song, with story, with make-believe. Celebrate, and encourage her active brain, so that one day she loves books and old classic movies as much as I do.  

And when she graduates from high school someday, I definitely have some good "Elsa Solos" to share with the class :)  

2015 Bookshelf: Ruth's Journey

One of the requirements for the dream book I'm going to write someday, you know, the one that will make my family independently wealthy :) is that it has an appealing cover. I want people to be instantly drawn in by the colors, the words, the images, so that they can't help but pick it up and start reading it for themselves.

Ruth's Journey by Donald McCaig was one of those books for me. I loved the drawing on the front, but even more so, I was caught when the cover said that this was "The Authorized Novel of Mammy from Gone With The Wind." I'm a huge Gone With the Wind fan, any author that can make you love and hate the main character at the same time is pretty impressive! Plus, the story took place over such a fascinating period of time. I loved all of the history woven through that novel! I was so excited for this authorized prequel to such an epic, lasting story.

And overall, I was satisfied. The story covered Ruth's life, from a young girl living in Saint-Dominque, to an old woman living as a mammy in Georgia. Through the story, you saw her character progress, and search for her own sense of identity. As a child, she was treated as Ruth, a member of the family and mammy to a tiny child. When she grew older she was Jehu's wife, with her own child, and then, through heartbreak, she became a mammy once again. Going back to the home she used to know, and watching generations of that family grow older. 

“I ain’t Mrs. Jehu Glen no more. I ain’t even Ruth. I’ze Mammy! .... That who I is!”

— p.208

Mammy searches for her identity in a confusing world. Life in Georgia is in upheaval, shortly before the Civil War. Everyone is questioning, changing, taking sides on what they believe. And Mammy is there, living her life, stating her opinions pretty noticeably, and trying her best to raise up children with "deportment." Is she always successful in this? No, but she's faithful. 

This story ends shortly after Gone With the Wind begins, and I have to admit that I now want to read that story once again. Perhaps that's a complement to a good book?

At the same time, I do have to leave you with a few warnings.  There's definitely drinking, immorality, and some love scenes. I wouldn't say these scenes are explicit in the least (and I'm very picky), but it would be my hesitation in recommending this book.

Interested in what I'm reading this year? Check out my Pinterest Board here. This was book 3 on my 2015 Bookshelf. Here's what I'm reading next. 

2015 Bookshelf: I Capture the Castle

This book, originally published in 1948, was a book that came highly recommended to me by other readers. I've seen it often in bookstores, and often wondered what it was like. I Capture the Castle was a book I loved in the beginning, hated in the middle, and then loved again by the end. How does one write a review of that?

The narrator, Cassandra, was compelling. I loved her descriptions of life lived in a dilapidated castle with her eccentric family. Those descriptions were probably my favorite part of the story. 

“How strange and beautiful it looked in the late afternoon light! I can still recapture that first glimpse—see the sheer grey stone walls and towers against the pale yellow sky, the reflected castle stretching towards us on the brimming moat, the floating patches of emerald-green water weed.... How well I remember that run through the stillness, the smell of wet stone and wet weeds as we crossed the bridge, the moment of excitement before we stepped in at the little door! Once through, we were in the cool dimness of the gatehouse passage. That was where I first felt the castle—it is the place where one is most conscious of the great weight of stone above and around one. ”

— p.28, 29

I felt the excitement, the air of mystery, of intrigue, of romance, in Cassandra living in such an old castle, filled with memories and stories inside the walls. The images, the smells, the sensations were so real, that I felt like I was experiencing it along with her. The castle was truly a main character in this story. The name of the book makes sense, for the character of Cassandra truly does "Capture the Castle" with her journaling skills. 

I was also quite impressed with the first person narrative. Sometimes first person narrative can come off as choppy, distracting, hard to follow. I never had this issue with this book though. It was believable. Much of the story was told through Cassandra's journal keeping, so you saw each moment through her eyes, as she would have experienced it. The writing style was easy to read and comfortable. I was actually sad to see her story end. 

For as much as I liked this story, there were some pretty major things that bothered me as well. Things I'd be lax not to mention to all of you.  Some of these were: references to sex, her step-mother posing nude, and the promotion of atheism throughout the novel. (She does question the existence of God, but nothing really comes from that mystic moment of revelation). Also, there's a pretty clear moment, early in the novel, when one of the characters prays to the demon gargoyle on the side of the castle. They joke about it being a demon or angel, and then later discuss that, maybe, this prayer to the devil worked in their favor. 

I could see this book being a great book for a college writing class. There are so many great examples of characterization, first person narrative, and scene descriptions. The author does an excellent job at all of these things. But, as I stated about, there are also some pretty big drawbacks, things I would definitely be cautionary of when recommending this book. If you're willing to take this book as a lesson, sifting through what you agree with and possibly disagree with, I say, go for it, and enjoy this book for what it is, a beautiful look at a bygone time in England. 

Interested in what I'm reading this year? Check out my Pinterest Board here. This was book 2 on my 2015 Bookshelf. Here's what I'm reading next.