for the days you feel like quitting

She was screaming, so loud and so incessantly. She wouldn't listen. She wouldn't nap. And I was panicking. I was melting down. Voices in my head were telling me that I was a failure as a mother. I wasn't doing something right. Voices were telling me that someone was to blame. Anger, frustration, and desire to just quit welled up inside of me. In that moment, I didn't want to be mother. I wanted to back out. I wanted to say that I was done.

Have you ever been in such a place? Has family, work, relationships, life, every gotten you down? My strong willed child truly stretches me. There are moments when I'm not sure I can stretch any further. 

I honestly didn't know being a parent would be this hard. The world painted a rosy picture for me. Mothering a toddler has not been easy. 

Some days are honestly just rainy days. Days I wish I could just curl up with a book and not have the responsibilities of motherhood in front of me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my babies. I have truly been changed by them. But sometimes, life finds me at the end. The end of my strength, the end of my stamina. I'm sleep-deprived, overwhelmed, and discontent. Not a pretty place to be in. The rain is falling, the tears are coming, and my head is believing the lies all around me.

Laura Story, a Christian musician, has a song on the radio right now called "Blessings." 

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops

What if Your healing comes through tears

What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near

What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

Sometimes, we, ourselves, are our worst enemies. We doubt our abilities as parents, co-workers, spouses, friends. We see all of the mistakes, all the ways we don't measure up. We wish we could quit on the hardest of days, when the babies are screaming, the house is a mess, when people aren't getting along. But what if those very moments are when God works the most? What if the temper tantrums were chances for God to teach me a lesson on patience and my daughter one on respect. What if I looked back someday, thankful for those moments when my babies were young. What if these very moments shaped the rest of my daughters life. Wouldn't I work all the harder to succeed?

Because they do. These years matter so very much.

These years, hard as they are, are formative years. My daughter is changing, growing, and learning how to interact with the world around her. Sure, I feel like giving up someday, but that is exactly when God is ready to step in and take His rightful place. He's ready to teach me some lessons on unconditional love, humility and parenting. He's ready to take these rainy moments and shine His light into the darkest of places. 

Yes, some days are just rainy, but, looking back, I may just see God shining the brightest in those moments. 

As Laura Story sings, those rainiest moments are only God's mercies in disguise. This reminder that God is at work makes me want to press forward and greet each moment with anticipation and love. The stretching moments are often painful, but I long to be more like my Savior. I long to be a better wife, mother, friend. At the heart, I truly don't want to quit this race. Some moments just get me down. The Apostle Paul had such a great perspective on this:

'But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I  am strong" (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, HCSB). 

It is in our very weaknesses that God shines the most. This road we're on can be rather twisty and rainy, can't it? Looking back, where have you seen God at work? What things do you need to give over to His care today? Share below, I'd love to pray for you.  

.

Before I know it these toddler days will be behind me? What am I learning as I walk this road today? What mercies are standing right in front of me? 

Broken Pieces

“[B]ut our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. He will transform the body of our humble condition into the likeness of His glorious body, by the power that enables Him to subject everything to Himself” (Philippians 3:20-21, HCSB).

 ^“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away, and look, new things have come” (2 Corinthians 5:17, HCSB).

^“… just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless” (Ephesians 5:25-26, HCSB).

Potty training has gone much better the last few days. I’m so thankful for our friends, who have stopped by to keep us company and give us moral support. E actually gained some confidence from being around her potty training friends. Perhaps there is something to group potty training. Nothing like a tiny bit of peer pressure in the right direction

But all that to say, I’ve been greatly encouraged, and inspired to keep on pushing forward with this whole thing. I was definitely stressing about it too much at first, unable to enjoy the process. I’m definitely a bit more at ease now, and ready to just take things as they come. The rest of this month is pretty busy, so it will be interesting how our little potty training girl takes it all. One day at a time, right?

Sometimes I find that the tiniest moments in the day are the most profound. My daughter came up to me this afternoon, after her friends where gone, carrying a plastic egg with a chickadee glued to the front of it. The egg has been played with so much that it won’t stay together any longer. For some reason, Little E was very concerned about this chick. It was broken, and she wanted it fixed. But fixing it was out of my power. I would try to put the pieces clumsily back together again, but it never stayed together for long. As soon as my daughter would take the toy back, it would fall apart once again. My best just wasn’t good enough.

Isn’t it often the same with our lives?

On our own, we can never seem to fix things. As hard as we try, the pieces never quite go back in place. We clumsily try to make our way through this life, but, the fact of the matter is that we need someone greater than ourselves. Someone who can see the bigger picture. Who can make all the pieces fit together again. Or maybe the pieces never fit together again. Maybe a better image is Christ taking all the broken pieces of our lives and creating something beautiful and new, something without cracks, dents and blemishes. Something even better before. This new body and new spirit doesn’t need the old. No, it gets rid of the old and strives toward a new reality, a new destination. A new way of life in which there is no expectation of us fixing everything on our own. Instead, we rely on God to hold us together today and every day. Because He took the pieces and created something more beautiful than we ever imagined. It was in His control, His time, His perfect way.

The Cracks

“There’s a crack in everything—that’s how the light gets in” (Leonard Cohen).

If we were solid, complete, perfect, would we have need of Jesus? Would we long for His presence?

I don’t think so.

It’s truly imperfections, weaknesses, the things I hate most about my self, that draw me closer to Jesus. That make me cling to Him and His ways.

This life is hard, and is only made worse by my own loose tongue, my own insecurities, my own doubts.

I truly need Jesus to make it through the worst days. I truly need Him to shine through my cracks, when I would have made a mess of things on my own.

There are times when my tongue has spoken, before my brain caught up. Times when friendships were hurt, because I refused to listen to God’s leading, and made my own decisions instead. Trust me, life is so much easier when I let God take the reigns. When I let His voice rule in me.

This quote above was on my calendar on Monday. Isn’t it perfect? It speaks to imperfections, and how, because of them, light is given a chance to shine through.

Because of my very weaknesses, God can be God.

A need for God is seen in my life, and in those around me.

I have no clue where I would be without God by my side. I really don’t want to know.

 “Concerning this [Paul’s thorn], I pleaded with the Lord three times to take it away from me. But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:8-10, HCSB).

 Power is perfected in weakness. God is perfected in those moments when we are at our lowest. When we truly need Him to move. When we need light to shine into those darkest, loneliest moments of our lives. The Apostle Paul actually took pleasure in those hard times. He seemed to seek out the moments when He would need God most, insulted, persecuted, brought down, all becaues of Christ. He sought weakness, so that God would be strong through him. I can't say I'm yet at the place where I seek out hardships. I truly would rather be happy. Although, I'm begining to see how hard times shape us and mold us. How hard times cause us to depend on Jesus. No, I don't long for the pain involved in that process, but I'm a little bit closer to understanding what Paul was saying up above.

God truly does shine through us in our weakest times. So let that light shine, my friends. Let it shine.

Where do you need God the most in your life? Where do you see His light shining through the cracks?

The “perfect” girl learns to live in an imperfect world.

I don’t know where it started, this desire to be perfect. I know I can’t really blame it on Barbie dolls… nor can all the blame be pushed on the 1950s image of the perfect house wife. What I do know is that, somewhere along the way, I formed this notion of perfection.  I created this image of the ideal woman, and set out to obtain that image for myself.

Perfect body.

Perfect smile.

Perfect house.

Perfect life.

When my life fails to meet up to these expectations, I beat myself up. I criticize, I demean, I shake my head in disgust. I hate my lack of perfection.

The image looking back at me in the mirror is 30 pounds overweight, and her hair isn’t perfectly curled, but instead hastily pulled back in a ponytail.

My daughter didn’t smile for most of her Christmas pictures.

 There are often dirty dishes in the sink, piles of papers by the computer waiting for weeks to be sorted through, and laundry piled up, ready to be put away, when I finally get around to it.

Sometimes I break down in tears, so overwhelmed by my messy house, less than perfect figure, and the daunting responsibilities set before me.

I’m anything but perfect.

My house is anything but perfect.

My life is anything but perfect.

I never seem to measure up.

It seems like I’ve given these feelings over to my Savior a million times. Yet, time and again, I find myself caught up in the dangerous web of perfectionism. I find myself comparing my life to others, and seeing how much it falls short.

How do I not compare? How do I begin to be comfortable in my own skin? How do I let go of the perfect image I’ve created in my brain, and grab onto the reality of this messy, beautiful life?

It’s a hard one. I’m honestly sharing something with you today that I haven’t truly figured out. It’s a daily struggle with me. What I do know is that my Jesus is faithful. He is able to take all of my struggles and make something beautiful from them.

And so, I’m going to take the advice of a good friend of mine today. I’m going to replace all of the lies in my life with Biblical truth.

^“Now if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives to all generously and without criticizing, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith without doubting. For the doubter is like the surging sea, driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1: 5-6, HCSB).

^“For it was You who created my inward parts; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I will praise You, because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know [this] very well” (Psalm 139: 13-14 HCSB).

^“But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me. ¹⁰ So because of Christ, I am pleased in weaknesses, in insults, in catastrophes, in persecutions, and in pressures. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10, HCSB).

Do you think our society has given us false ideals? How do you deal with feelings of insufficiency? Are there any verses you turn to?

A prayer

Lord, what if I don’t want to grow?

What if I don’t want to change from this experience?

What if I drag my feet in the sand and protest for as long as I can? What if I scream?

Because that’s honestly what I feel like doing sometimes.

I want my life to stay perfectly happy.

But it’s not always.

I don’t want trials to come my way.

But there they are just the same.

I don’t want to face hardships.
But still I must confront them.

I want my life to be different then it is.

I want my husband to have a regular 9 to 5 job.

I want….

But do I?

Because to desire those things would be to give up so much of this life that I do love.

To desire those things would mean being married to someone different.

Because I married a man in uniform.

I married a man who was already living out his calling.

I married a man whom we both knew would deploy over our lifetime together.

That is a part of who my man is.

He has an innate desire to serve his country.

He loves his family and wants to protect their freedom.

The military is a part of who he is.

By denying this reality, I’m denying a part of him.

And I don’t want to do that.

Because I love my military man.

I’ve followed him half way across the country.

I’ve built a life with him far from family.
We’ve depended on God to see us through the lonely times so far.

And we will cling to what we believe in the future as well.

Have you ever felt this way? Sometimes the future can be a scarey thing to look at. Thankfully, I have a true peace that can only come from God up above. He alone gives me confidence to face times of loneliness. He alone gives me the strength to face the hard days. We serve such an amazing God!

"Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen; for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal" ( 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 HCSB).

Today I Choose

“Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal” (2 Corinthians 4:16-18 NIV).


This week has not gone the smoothest for me. It’s been hectic, a bit stressful, and outright overwhelming at times. My little girl has been grumpy, the house is a mess, and I’ve been forgetting things like extra diapers when we went into town and starting the Crockpot in the morning so that my husband can have dinner tonight. Sigh. As I was driving home after an appointment this morning, I felt God ask me what my attitude would be for the rest of today. Would I once again let the circumstances surrounding me dictate my mood, or would I look around me to find something to be thankful for. I chose the later. And once again, the verses above came to mind. It seems like God has been reminding me of them a lot lately. For the things that are stressing me out really are temporary. The dirty laundry will eventually get clean, if not today, then tomorrow. We will find something to eat tonight, even if the Crockpot isn’t done cooking. And my little girl will eventually take a nap. (Which she’s doing right now in fact!). Before I know it, this season of life, which seems so hard at times, will pass. And so, I choose to enjoy the little moments. I choose to enjoy the smiles and giggles of my baby girl. I choose to enjoy watching my husband rock our baby to sleep at night. (He’s so entirely smitten with her, which I love!). I choose to enjoy the winter weather that is coming our way. Because if I don’t choose to enjoy this life I’ve been given, these days would be very long indeed!

What do you choose to enjoy today?

He Leads Me Gently: The Job of Motherhood

It's hard to believe that two years have past since I became a military wife. The days have flown by. And suddenly, for a little while, they're feeling slow once again. As I write this a sweet little baby girl is snuggled up close to me in a sling, fast asleep, listening to my beating hear. She is my newest responsibility. And what a tough one she is! This little individual is someone completely new to me. While she's a beautiful combination of my husband and I, she already has a set personality of her own. And it's my job to take care of her. As much as I may not always enjoy it, it's my job to wake up with her in the middle of the night when she's hungry. It's my job to tend to her needs during the day, while her daddy works hard at his job. It's my job to be her mommy. And oh how unworthy I feel!
I feel as if I have nothing to give to this little one. And then God whispers the newest theme verse of my life in my ear " My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV).
Once again I am reminded that I'm really not on my own when it comes to raising this little girl. I have a wonderful husband, a great family, a support group of friends that are only a phone call away, but more than any of these people, I have a God leading me gently, each and every day.
"He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young" (Isaiah 40:11 NIV).

Do you need God to lead you gently today?

A Weak but Willing Vessel

I’ve been feeling less than worthy lately. I compare myself to others and see all the areas in which I drastically fall short.

Sometimes I wonder why I sit here at home, writing, instead of having a job out in the world. “Why has God called me to this?” I ask. “There are so many better candidates.” I look at all the mistakes I make, at the gifts I don’t have, and even at the time that I don’t invest into writing day in and day out. I berate myself for not sticking to the schedule I set up. I wonder what it’s all about. I don’t see the purpose in it all. But God does. While I see the shortcomings, God sees the opportunities to work.

It’s amazing how the words of others can speak to me at times. This morning, encouragement came through the blogs of two special ladies, Lysa Terkeurst and Sarah Markley. Both of these ladies reminded me that God has a specific calling on my life as a writer. He has placed me in this moment in time not as a perfect candidate, but as a willing vessel that He can mold and form into whatever he chooses. He understands my weaknesses and shortcomings, and loves me because of them.

Is that amazing or what? While I hate my shortcomings, God doesn’t. He sees them as part of His perfect creation.

And the same is true for you as well. God created you intentionally, with a purpose. Even if you don’t understand that purpose, God does.

So embrace those imperfections today, and be ready for God to move in your life. A life surrendered is the best place to be.

“But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him” (1 Corinthians 1:27-29 NIV).

^“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV).

What area of your life do you feel extremely weak at the moment? Is it in your job? In your home as a military wife or mother? In a new city where you feel all alone? What verses do you turn to during times of trials? What is God trying to teach you at this moment in time?

Lord, thank you for the reminder that you work through the very things that I see as weaknesses. Please help me to depend on you for strength today and everyday.

Delight

Hello dear ones,

Today I’m continuing my thoughts on joy. As I said yesterday, joy is something we can experience despite the circumstances. Today I still have things distracting me, making me worry and wonder about the future. Just the same, I have a peace and joy that goes beyond explaining. It’s the kind of joy that puts a hint of a smile on my face as I look at the beautiful day God’s given us. It’s the kind of joy that is oh so thankful for the wonderful husband I have. And it’s the kind of joy that knows that God really is in control in this and every situation.

In 2 Corinthians 11-12, Paul discusses all of the calamities that had befallen him as a Christian. He certainly had more reason than me to gripe. But he didn’t. Instead, he delighted in the things that made him weak, because it was at those times that the power of God at work in him could be seen all the more.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Paul delighted in the times that he was weak. He delighted. Can you imagine delighting in hard times? That’s a hard one for me to grasp. But doesn’t delighting sound a lot like finding joy in the hard times? I would argue that they’re much the same.

My prayer today is that I, too, will be able to delight in whatever trouble comes my way. Not because of the trouble, but because of how God will use me and me through the situation.

What about you? What can you find joy in today? Is it a hard situation or easy situation? Can you see what God’s teaching you through it?

Sufficient Grace

I knew this day would come when I said “I do”  ten short months ago. Just the same, I’m dreading this first deployment. I’m wondering what I’ll do while he’s away. My whole life revolves around my husband. I take care of the house, run errands, and cook him his dinner each night. I look forward to the weekends when we can hike, and camp, and explore local touristy sights.
Since I heard about this deployment I’ve noticed something about myself. I depend on my husband a little too much. While it’s right that I should love him and honor him, the Lord always needs to be number one.
The Lord is telling me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9 NLT).
In other words, the Lord has been reminding me that he is enough. He works to the good of every circumstance. He feels the pain of the impending seperation and is not about to leave us or forsake us. He will be with us during our time apart. He will be our sustainer, if we allow him to.
He wants us to find joy in each and every situation. And, so, even though some of the fear is still there, I embrace his joy.  I cling like never before to the words of Habakkuk 3:18-19. Times may be tough. I’m sure I will be tremendously lonely, “yet I will rejoice in the Lord! I will be joyful in the God of my salvation! The Sovereign Lord is my strength! He makes me as surefooted as a deer, able to tread upon the heights.” (NLT).